Is your once emerald jewel of a lawn submerged below fathoms of swamp water? Do you need a canoe to reach your gardening equipment? Have your pets turned into Olympic-caliber athletes, swimming laps along your property line? Read on for some invaluable tips to maintain your lawn in the aquatic-iest of conditions!
So, it won’t stop raining
Unless you’re an angry stormcloud, a deity, or that slightly orange meteorologist on channel 10, you can’t control the weather. This means that you have to continue dealing with some torrential, Old Testament-style rain.
And it has now been raining for fourscore and sixty-eight dog years.
You still have a lawn somewhere under the swamp of floating kayaks, trash heaps, and displaced chickens of the neighborhood
No amount of monsoonal rain shall stop you from maintaining diligent turf management. You have neighbors to impress!
First, a few safety tips:
- Make sure to check over your wetsuit, fill your oxygen tanks, and check your respirator mask before you swim out to retrieve the lawnmower from the murky depths of the garage.
- You and your mower have not been on friendly terms since that unfortunate incident involving a projectile lawn flamingo. Check those blades, people!
- Are you still using a gas mower like an earth-hating satanist? Well, make sure there’s gas in the thing I guess.
- In the very likely event that the mower is out of gas, simply canoe three miles to the nearest mountaintop gas station, fill up your gas container, and paddle on home.
Start your mower!
The lawnmower should gamely start after a few presses of the primer button, a tug on the starter cord, and a bevy of strongly worded curses that roughly translate to “glub glub, phttth!”.
Now you’re ready to roll…er swim.
Draw up and refuse to deviate from your mental battle plans
- Circumnavigate the ginormous crater created by your dog’s fastidious digging. Do not fall in.
- Dodge, swat, maim, and/or kill the pterodactyl-sized mosquitoes that swarm upon you each time you manage to surface from the deep.
- Remember to breathe. No doubt you’ll strongly resemble a blind, asthmatic sea cow as you mow, but at least you’ll live to see the looks on your neighbors’ faces when they behold your sheered, albeit submerged, piece of emerald paradise.
Once you’ve completed your mission, go inside, grab a snack and suggest to your spouse that maybe you should just pave over the lawn. He’ll likely roll his eyes and accuse you of exaggeration. Retaliate by hiding his scuba gear in the giant dog crater before it’s his turn to mow.