FEBRUARY HOROSCOPES
A month into the year already, I cannot believe it. Get ready for shitty weather, dusty-ass candy hearts and also… President’s Day. It’s a great weekend to buy mattresses. But you know what I enjoy most about February? The disappointment. It’s the month people realize love is a social construct, most presidents were terrible, and the world is most definitely gonna implode soon. May as well get started…
Aries, March 21 — April 19
There’s no full moon this month, so you’re shit out of luck in the ideas department. You’ll push and push, but there’s nothing of substance to be had at all. The best thing to do is to evacuate your crappy emotions and consider all the great poop references you could be making. I know I’m having the time of my life right now!
Taurus, April 20 — May 20
Lucky you — the planets are aligned for you to have the same lunch 20 days in a row this month! Sometimes doing the same thing over and over can be comforting, but you’ll miss out on new opportunities with your head stuck in your lunchpail. So what will it be, PB&J or tunafish? You can’t go wrong with either (unless you have allergies or let the tuna sit out THAT IS GROSS!)
Gemini, May 21 — June 20
You’re coming in hot, as the kids say, and eager to get as much done as you can early on this month. But as the old folks say, don’t put all your eggs in one basket! If things don’t go according to plan, just plan something else. We all have only a finite time on this planet before it fucking implodes ANYWAY. You know? Trust me on this one.
Cancer, June 21 — July 22
Though you’ve been second guessing your ENTIRE LIFE lately, you’ll find the 6th and 7th a great time to plant some new seeds. Like figurative seeds that are like new ideas or projects or hobbies and whatnot but I mean if you really want to plant real seeds in a garden or whatever those would be great days for it too! Don’t get too close to any shallow water this month.
Leo, July 23 — August 22
Now that you’ve stayed inside for almost 31 days, you’re ready to take on a big project that arises at your work. Naturally, your tendency is to be the leader, but lets put it this way — when things don’t go as planned, you don’t want to be the only one holding the shit sandwich — then you’re the only one that has to take a bite! Sometimes you gotta share the wealth. Or shit.
Virgo, August 23 — September 22
Just FYI Virgo, start writing those lil’ idea nuggets down. Due to a partial solar eclipse of the new moon on the 15th — so things are KINDA going your way, but you aren’t quite out of the woods yet. Also, don’t forget to unplug any space heaters while out, smoke and embers will make an appearance later in the month. Maybe a Sunday. I feel like it’ll be a Sunday. Stay alert.
Libra, September 23 — October 21
You’re too concerned with balance and wellness and living your truth. You eat krill for breakfast and are about 2 seconds away from shoving mud up your vag. Here’s the thing, no matter how much charcoal you chug, you aren’t getting your boyfriend back. EVEN if you “set your intention and send it out into the universe.” Do you think the universe gives a shit? It all comes down to not being an asshole.
Scorpio, October 22 — November 21
An overzealous neighbor is showing interest in you, Scorpio, but you aren’t a goddamn idiot. Don’t get too buddy-buddy with them. Like, don’t start up a new pub trivia team with them, but don’t shut the door in their face altogether. You never know when you’ll need an ally when it’s time to renew your lease or when figuring out whose stealing your Blue Apron boxes.
Sagittarius, November 22 — December 21
Saggitarius, there were TWO Supermoons last month, and as you know, that means absolutely nothing. But, as you always say, there’s no time like the present. So just… do whatever that means! You’ll find once you open yourself up to the possibility of being nothing in this world, there’s absolutely nothing stopping you!
Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
After a calm January you are looking for new #goals to conquer, and you will find some the week of the 11th via social media OF ALL PLACES! Sometimes it’s good to ask around, or tweet around, you know? Also I know you’re feeling unstoppable but you should not enter any eating contests. It’s bad for your heart.
Aquarius, January 20 — February 18
Always open to new things, you’ll find a sultry night with a passionate Scorpio will leave you thrilled, desperate and also a little WHORISH. I can’t blame you, sometimes you gotta say “Yes!” to life, or at least say “Sure, why not? Are you really 23?” But whatever, times are different, it’s 2018! LIVE YOUR BEST LIFE!
Pisces, February 19 — March 20
So you’re working on yourself, trying to not be so mean and so far, we’re looking good. But don’t be so optimistic that you end up losing money or your iPhone or a kidney. That’s never good. Mercury and the sun enter Pisces on the week end of 16th so consider picking up a hobby. Maybe take on a new language or math. Yeah. Math. That could be helpful once the banks fail us in the apocalypse.
If you liked your horoscope this month, why not LOVE it?
>> Follow me on Twitter for some non-astrological sadness.
>> Or Instagram, I guess?
>> Check out my postcard blog, Glad You’re Not Here!
>> Find out where I am and send me money! J/K weirdos.
Morgan S is a writer that may or may not know the future. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.
