For the Love of God, we do NOT want to eat you.
An Op-Ed by Clark Skaggs, Great White Shark and amateur rock collector
Dear Everyone Who plans On Visiting The Coast Sometime Between Now And The End Of Days,
Please. Listen. Closely.
We do not want to eat you. Repeat that first sentence at least three more times, and then repeat it again. Because all of the running and screaming is really starting to get to me.
I think I speak for all sharks when I say that we do not want to eat you because HUMANS TASTE LIKE GARBAGE. You are disgusting. As great as you mammals in your brightly-colored swimwear think you are, you’re actually a vile, scrape-off-the-tongue, OMG-I’m-gonna-hurl level of nastiness.
Have you ever picked up an M&M, put it in your mouth, then realized it was a piece of poop?
Yeah, it’s exactly like that when we mistakenly take a bite out of a human.
Why do you think we never finish? Think about it. Have you ever heard of a shark eating an entire person, gobbling down every last bony leg, gnarly toe and fleshy breast?
No, you haven’t. Because no self-respecting shark would purposely put their mouth on that, much less swallow it.
And don’t even get me started with all the weird hair you guys have everywhere. What would we even do with that? I mean, we can’t eat it, so is it like the stem on the top of a strawberry?
So gross. Since we don’t have freaky little human hands like y’all, the hair has to stay and is a skin-crawlingly horrifying nuisance that every shark on the planet wants nothing to do with.
We’re hungry badasses, don’t get me wrong, but even Great Whites have standards. One errant taste and we’re gagging like those idiots who eat Tide pods.
We’d like to apologize for our mistakes, though. Our eyesight blows, so occasionally we’re overzealous and mistake a surfboard — or a human — for a seal.
My buddy, Ken, is a fricking moron and has chomped down on the wrong chiz more times than I can count. That’s why we call him Ken the Moron. (That and the fact that he went out with Crazy Patty, but that’s a whole other column. Not enough time in the world, if you know what I mean. Women, amirite?)
Anyway, please stop with the drama. There is a whole laundry list of nauseating things we would rather have in our mouths than you.
Seriously.
Raw sewage is on that list, so just chill.
