Forcibly Deleted TripAdvisor Review of Mar-A-Lago
My wife and I had of course visited Mar-A-Lago several times in the past, what with one of our summer estates being so nearby, but this was the first year we had the great honor of being invited to attend the Trump Family Annual Sacrifice to Moloch. What a delight!
As newcomers to the dark rituals it can be a bit disorienting, so I wanted to leave this review so that future guests might know what to expect. When you arrive, you will be asked to sign a variety of paperwork in blood. For you germophobes out there, no need to worry, the gold-plated finger spears are purified after each use!
You are next required to participate in a “pledge of fealty” to the demon lord Moloch and to his earthly harbingers, the Trumps. There is a lovely statue of Moloch in a charming little chamber adjacent to the Trump Boutique, and you’ll be asked to recite some words from the ancient rites. You are then meant to drink black sludge from the provided Goblet of Black Sludge. I have to say, the flavor is pretty atrocious. I mean, I have drank some rather poor tasting beverages in my day, once even having had a glass Johnnie Walker Black Label when they were out of Blue Label, but this was even ghastlier. I must confess I probably wouldn’t have finished it, but we were advised that this task was something of a trial, and that guests who can’t finish the goblet of black sludge are actually executed. Executed! No thanks! My wife and I both passed the trial, thank goodness. I can’t say the same for a former colleague of mine who was also a first time attendee. You’ll be missed on the yacht this summer, Reg!
Following this ordeal you are rewarded by attending the traditional Pre-Sacrifice Banquet and Orgy, located in the luxurious Trump Baquet and Orgy Den. I am embarrassed to admit that we forgot our customized ritual orgy masks at one of our homes, but thankfully extra ritual orgy masks were provided at no additional charge from the front desk. Now that’s customer service! (My mask was of a lobster with horns, tee hee!) Anyways, the Pre-Sacrifice Banquet and Orgy was a blast. The absolute finest imported foods and prostitutes were provided. The theme this year was “From Russia with Love”.
Next up is the main event, and I’ll warn you right now if you’re squeamish you’ll probably not have the best time at the Sacrifice. You’ll all be in a great big circle out in the middle of the golf course, and I didn’t know this but apparently the 18 holes actually refers to 18 holes cut into the fabric of reality that allows Moloch to enter our realm. Bit of trivia you for ya there! In the center of the circle tied to a post will be a middle class family chosen to be sacrificed to Moloch. They might hoot and holler and beg for help and so forth, but as with most things we know what’s really best for the middle class. That’s what the staff kept saying. It’s a pretty big honor to be sacrificed to an actual demonic demigod, after all! Right? I mean, it must be. Right? Sure.
Behind the post Donald Trump and his whole family are standing on a dais, and a masked fellow in dark robes will begin to chant in a language which I was later told was Sumerian. No wonder my google translate was on the fritz! At this point the Trumps will all open their mouths and clouds of black and green smoke will start to forcefully billow out. Important: It’s actually considered rude to stare at the Trumps when they are “purging their Zuktharian element”, whatever that means. Avoid looking at them and pretend you don’t see what’s happening!
As the sacrifice commenced and the middle class family was burnt alive, we all shouted into the night in praise of Moloch. Although their agonized screams haunt my every waking and slumbering moment, the warmth from the flames was quite cozy. We were then treated to the spectacle of an unholy vortex, a portal through the dimensions, briefly tearing asunder the fabric of space and time. Moloch himself emerged above the flames, a gigantic horned beast terrible to behold. Donald and his family knelt before their idol and we all followed suit. There came a moment when Moloch himself turned his red-eyed gaze on me, and I felt the remnants of my soul shatter and shrivel into nothingness. I lost consciousness and regrettably missed the rest of the ceremony. Also, when I woke up, my hair was gray! WTF? Not ideal, but I think I’m distinguished enough to pull it off. My wife did witness the remainder of the ceremony but refused to talk to me about it and has since fled the country.
So, let me sum it up. I really enjoyed the stellar customer service, I liked making a genuine contribution to the Trump agenda, and the Pre-Sacrifice Orgy and Banquet was absolutely to die for, but although some aspects of the sacrifice were entertaining I am also forever traumatized, my marriage is in ruins, I aged about forty years in an evening, the black sludge was quite sub-par, and I feel a lingering otherworldly presence of evil clawing into me at all times. I feel as if I am sinking into a dark pool of dread and that there is nothing to pull me back, that I have no choice but to surrender to the abyss and let it swallow me up.
Three and a half stars.
