GREAT NEWS : THE APOCALYPSE HAS ANNOUNCED THE START OF THEIR 2018 WORLD-ENDING U.S. TOUR.
Hey there, just a quick update from your friends at The Apocalypse! We are on the road in 2018. And while 2016 and 2017 saw some pretty exciting initial world-destruction activity from The Apocalypse, 2018 promises to be the Four Horsemen’s biggest year yet.
Here are the signs we are out there, and probably headed towards your location to bring you a first-hand, and possibly fatal, experience with The Apocalypse:
SIGN #1: THIS FLU SEASON
The Apocalypse has already kicked things off with a truly savage flu season in which one out of every ten deaths in the U.S. has been the result of a flu virus that shows no signs of slowing down. That’s 4,000 Americans a week! The Apocalypse isn’t satisfied with that though. And that’s why, as a new wrinkle, supplies of Tami-Flu are growing dangerously short.
SIGN #2: PORN STARS & PRESIDENTS
Long have we all labored in times when the distance between porn and the president was as great as the divide that separates Katy Perry and Taylor Swift. Thanks to The Apocalypse, that’s no longer the case.
Today, you can’t view a news site without a story about the President and Stormy Daniels bulging out of the page. Now, the highest office in the land has all dignity of a crusty, leather casting couch in the office of a San Fernando Valley adult film producer. The Apocalypse sez your welcome for that stomach turning turn of events!
SIGN #3: WILDFIRE SEASON IS NOW EVERY SEASON
No longer do we have to prepare for fire season. Thanks to The Apocalypse, the earth is as of now as fire resistant as the dry crinkled pages of an old phonebook.
Seeing large sections of the earth ablaze and skies thick with ash is the new normal. Soon the phrase “blue skies ahead” will be as relevant as the phrase “colder than a brass toilet seat in the Yukon.”
SIGN #4 SCHOOL SHOOTINGS EVERY 2.5 DAYS
You thought The Apocalypse already happened at Sandy Hook and in Las Vegas. No way! We’re just getting started.
2018 is proof that the Horseman know that the true path to endless despair — and apocalyptic times — is simply the same horrible thing happening over and over again and the sight of lawmakers paralyzed to do a single, damn thing that might cut off the barrels of sweet campaign contributions from their masters at the NRA.
SIGN #5 CORRUPTION EVERYWHERE!
The Apocalypse always needs a few helping hands to happen and in 2018 we’ll be counting on more support from officials that have been nominated to the highest offices in the hand.
And by support, we mean a willingness to stand by and do absolutely nothing while we Horseman unleash every little trick in the book to fatigue you into absolute apathy as the world burns a little bit more with every story about an agency head that’s too afraid to fly coach because he’s worried that people will be mean to him.
SIGN #6 A GRAMMY WIN FOR BRUNO MARS
Even The Apocalypse thinks this one’s a little too cruel. Should’ve been Kendrick Lamarr.
SIGN #7 SUBSIDIZED HEALTHCARE ON ITS DEATHBED
While the ACA isn’t totally dead, it’s effectively on life support and the plug that connects it to the wall is a little loose — all thanks to the Four Horseman. They know the sooner healthcare croaks, the sooner they can pick up the pace on this world-destruction business.
So, if the only medical care you can afford after injury or illness turns out to be a band-aid featuring child TV character Bob the Builder, you’ve got a great sign The Apocalypse’s tour has finally reached you. You lucky devil.
The Apocalypse’s 2018 World-Ending U.S. Tour will take time to reach everybody. Please be patient while we bring our life-changing (and in some cases life-ending) experience to your door step.
