Have You Heard the Good Word About Podcasts?
Hey, friend of mine — I happened to notice that, when we were in your car the other night, you were playing your Spotify playlist labeled “Get Them Honeys.” When I asked you about what you listen to when it’s just you, you said something about another playlist. Of music.
I apologize for my forwardness, but I cannot let this continue.
Have you heard about podcasts?
Of course you have. Podcasts are everywhere in this smartphone-drenched world.
You probably think podcasts aren’t for you. Talk radio isn’t your thing, you say, or it’s a hassle to have one more media stream in your life, you tell me, or if you hear someone mention the word “Squarespace” one more time you are going to vomit up bees, you mention.
I made these excuses once too. And then I actually listened to the word of Podcast and realized I was a fool for being resistant for so long.
Give one a try. And then another. And then another. Soon you’ll have a hundred subscriptions and your ears will throw their hands up in delight because they want to listen to ALL OF THEM.
There are an actual bajillion podcasts out there, so it may be daunting to figure out where to start, but don’t you worry, Podcast has many clearly delineated disciples:
The smarty bois!
These are the podcasts where you are going to learn something, goddammit! You’ve got your Hidden Brain, your Invisibilia, your… well, 75% of the stuff on NPR… your Freakonomics, your Hardcore History — podcasts are a great way to expose yourself to new and fascinating ideas!
If you want to give yourself some time to reflect on what you just listened to because it really opened your eyes about the nature of subconscious bias or some other thang… DON’T! You have five hundred more of these bitches queued up and you’ve gotta LISTEN LISTEN LISTEN.
The talky bois!
The ocean of podcasts out there is filled with some dudes in a room talking about a specific topic… or sometimes not. Ostensibly, these podcasts may have a topic but really, it’s just an excuse for the people involved to chat.
Find someone you love. Become obsessed with their voice. Long for the day when you can hear their velvety tones in person.
Your favorite YouTuber likely has a podcast. Or your favorite comedian. Or your favorite blogger. Find them. Love them.
Bask in them.
Because sometimes, it’s not the information you care about — it’s the fact that you are desperately lacking in social contact these days what with your career and long commute and the fact that Mike left you a year ago and you’re still not over it — these podcasts are there to help you pretend like you have friends.
The newsy bois!
If you like to keep hip to current events, then there are podcasts that update frequently about stuff that’s happening in the world. You can get your inner newshound on and fill your brain with the horrible horribleness going on in the world and wonder why humanity has survived as long as it has and whether or not humanity should ever have existed at all and…
Look, I’m not a big news person. But I’m told that if you’re into that sort of thing, there’s a lot of good current events recaps out there tinged with whatever horrifyingly specific flavor of bias you yourself posses.
The story bois!
You know how in the olden times back when people were dying of cholera on the Oregon trail, the only entertainment they had as their oxen dragged their disease-ridden carts across the American plains was radio dramas?
Remember how your grandpa tried to get you to listen to Firesign Theatre once and you said they sounded a lot like Monty Python and would probably be a lot funnier if you could see what they were doing and then he promptly burned you with his cigar?
Sometimes, ancient wisdom is actually modern wisdom. People love stories and there are tons of great ones being told in PODCASTS. Some revive the radio dramas from the days of the bubonic plague, but others use the medium of audio to weave some truly interesting and innovative tales, like Welcome to Nightvale or Hello From the Magic Tavern or The Adventure Zone.
Hm, this particular section wasn’t all that funny. Quick, here’s a word that sounds like it’s dirty but isn’t: funtle.
The improvementy bois!
You want to be a better person.
Podcast promises to make you a better person.
Self-help gurus of all methods have their own podcasts and they have the same goal: to make you better.
Learn how to optimize the fuck out of that workflow with Tim Ferris. Bathe in the self-care wisdom of Gretchen Rubin. Commit your soul to that one chaos magician with the trance-inducing voice and unlock your full potential.
The conclusion, boi!
Podcast. Praise be.
Aren’t you intrigued now? People have so many misconceptions about the word of Podcast and all they really need is to be sat down and told just what, exactly, is the word of Podcast.
Podcast is a loving medium. It giveth when thou art bored, it giveth when thou art doing chores, it giveth on thy commute, it giveth while thou art backstage and psyching thyself up for a quarterly presentation to thy bosses.
The word of Podcast is endless.
From the ‘Sode of Listening, 8:22 -
“If thou catcheth up on the full back catalog
Of a podcast, one may be tempted to fret -
But lo! For one need only to open the search bar
And find another to soothe thy wayward mind.”
The word of Podcast is manifold.
From the ‘Sode of Niche, 29:4
“And Josiah, who felt alone in his fascination
With pens, alone in his joy of national parks,
Alone in his overflowing love of obscure punk bands,
Was alone no more: for he beseeched Podcast
For guidance, and the Podcast gave him Niche unbounded.”
The word of Podcast is personal.
From the ‘Sode of Five Star 3:56–57
“And that night, Podcast came to Brenna
And said unto her — ‘If thou were to look
In the phone of Carl, who sleepeth beside thee,
The question which burns in thy heart would rest.’“Brenna then took the sleeping Carl’s phone
Whilst Podcast watched over her.
She shed a tear, for lo, Podcast was right as Podcast always was -
That Carl had given Serial a one star review
And knew from then on their relationship was done.”
Most importantly, I will leave you with these words:
From the ‘Sode of Recommendations 79:54–56
“Thy pain is at an end, child
For now thy mind shall be forever occupied
And thou wilt look out upon the masses
And understand that thou hath found the truth of peace
And thou wilt not be able to help thyself -“Thou must help the masses and prosthelytize my Word
For it is spoken thus: that no man shall have
Their ears left wanting
Their mind left wanting
Their soul left wanting.“Go into the world my son
And spread my grace to all who deserveth -
Which is all.”
Amen.
