“He gives me CO2 but it’s like he doesn’t C me:” Local plant opens up about dejected life on low coffee table
Pickle Fork: In an exclusive interview, a local plant has come forward to tell us about its dejected life on a low coffee table and how it has higher aspirations. We want to thank you for joining us today.
Local plant: My pleasure and thank you. I really appreciate the opportunity. It’s great to get the chance to open up about my struggles. And it’s great to get off of that damn coffee table for a change.
PF: Yeah, I imagine. Can you please tell us about that? What is life like there?
LP: It’s miserable. I live on a really low, white and painfully boring-looking coffee table. It’s not decorated at all. And there’s nothing else there. No other plants. Not even a candle or a book, or something. It’s just me there.
PF: How does that make you feel?
LP: I feel alone and out of place. I feel neglected. I haven’t been watered in days. My owner doesn’t give me any attention or TLC, which is important plants need positive reinforcement to grow. Sometimes, I feel like he forgets I’m even there. He gives me CO2 but it’s like he doesn’t C me.
PF: I’m so sorry. Can you tell us about your owner?
LP: He’s a terrible human being. His name is Robert. He’s 27. He’s a terrible human being. He found me at Loblaws. I was on sale. Don’t even get me started on that. Being reduced to $6.99 is pretty debilitating too. Anyways, I’m pretty sure he got me just to impress the women he brings home. Something that says “Hey, look, I have a plant. I know how to take care of things.”
PF: What makes you say that?
LP: Well, Robert is one of those guys that brings a different woman home every night. I swear, if I have to hear him tell one of his dates “I really want to see a new country, like Europe” one more time, I’m going to lose it. And to think, I have to give this guy oxygen. Life really is unfair.
PF: Of course. Do you think any plants have it worse than you?
LP: Oh, definitely. I’m sympathetic to the plight of plants. Many of us are left neglected and unwatered. I’m still fortunate to be alive.
PF: So tell us, what are your aspirations? What kind of plant do you want to be?
LP: I would love to live the good life, displayed up high on a bookshelf. Either that or I would want to live in someone’s office, like a doctor or a lawyer. Definitely not on some 20-something douchebag’s coffee table. Why can’t I do something good with my life?
PF: Is there anything else that you would like to add?
LP: Yes. People like Robert treat like plants like props. But we have feelings. We need attention and love too, just like our human counterparts. Also, would you at all be interested in taking me?
PF: No, I’m sorry. We already have a plant on our coffee table.
