How To Outwit, Outplay, And Outlast On Your Wedding Day
We are at one of the most beautiful and memorable events of your life, your wedding day. This day is a journey about your mind, body, and soul. We will see challenges, blindsides, and new alliances form. Two families previously divided will come together for an adventure that will last a lifetime.
5 hours. 200 guests. 2 people in love. Here are some tips to help you Survive your wedding night:
Establish an Alliance
Alliances are key to avoiding mindless chatter with the guests who are nothing but boring! Who you pick as your alliance says a lot about you. Do you have a lot of friends? Do you not have any friends? What does your choice of friends say about you? The girls who circle dance during the Isley Brothers “Shout” is who you want on your side! Strength is key and you’re here to survive, even if that means benching your strange old aunt Gertrude, who keeps asking you how to sign into her Ask Jeeves account.
Prepare Your Shelter
The women’s bathroom is fraught with danger! There is no way to avoid this situation, so it’s best to be prepared! Hunker down in the bathroom stall and use it to dodge the storm of selfies, unimpressed mother-in-laws, and guests criticizing how your chocolate fountain consists of dark chocolate and not liquid gold.
Read Your Tree Mail
Sure, it’s already your wedding day, but hey, there must be something you can improve on! Not to worry, your mother packed your Premier Bride magazine subscription in her Prada leather handbag. As your mother always says, “You can always be better, honey! Now fetch me my goddamn Bellini.”
Find the Immunity Idol
The last thing you want is feedback on the decorations! Find anything to quickly divert the attention away from the off-center curtains people keep whispering about. How about your adorable nephew Grayson dressed in overalls? Once people see how cute baby Grayson is, it’ll be a fight to who can pinch his cheeks the quickest.
Merge Time!
The merge is crucial! What happens if your side of the family snags all the mini lobster rolls? Let’s be honest, your mother-in-law really knows how to hold a grudge, which could impact all future holidays for the rest of your life. Just remember, if the merge fails, so will your marriage.
Skip Another Meal
You’ve starved yourself since you were 12 years old and have exercised so much your arms have basically grown a second set of arms. You can’t let that all go to waste on your wedding day! One wrong bite will make your Randy Fenoli dress rip at the seams. Eat nothing but rice and termites.
Dominate The Immunity Challenge
The real challenge is coming into venue with a dance number that makes your guests ready to party; if the dance falls flat, the mood of the entire wedding falls flat! We suggest you spend extra time on the things that will wow your guests. Maybe an added element of choreographed butterflies? Just make sure you use Emerald Swallowtails or it’s really not that impressive.
Hold Your Breath During The Final Vote
As everyone stands outside with their sparklers, they are contemplating if this wedding was really a success. Will your wedding go down in history as being one of the most exciting, thrilling, jaw-dropping events in the history of weddings? We know your jealous friend Becky doesn’t think so. But did you win the votes of everyone else on the jury?
Time To Read The Votes…
The votes are in, and as it turns out, everyone was really offended by those uneven curtains near the chocolate fountain! Sure, you played a great game, but unfortunately this is one mistake that is unforgivable. The tribe has spoken.
