How To Play Backgammon Without Having To Learn How To Play Backgammon
The game of backgammon is a treasured American pastime, like baseball or getting slapped in the stomach with a herring.
But as beloved as this magical game is, just the thought of learning how to actually play it is so daunting that it may cause your nose to fall off your face and evaporate into a fine yellow powder (pro tip: do not eat this powder).
Well, there’s no need to fear being made a fool of at parties any longer, friends, because we here at SportsPuke Inc. (formerly SportsBelch Inc.) have developed a way to play backgammon without having to learn how to play backgammon — in three easy steps!
Are you ready to enrich your sorry, backgammon-less life? Then read on.
Step 1: Know ‘The Whittle’
You may think there’s an deluge of backgammon terminology you need to understand before playing, but in reality the only term you need to know is “The Whittle.”
…in reality the only term you need to know is “The Whittle.”
If someone (like Vincent, for instance) suddenly whips out a backgammon board at a Halloween party where you’re dressed as Percy Weasley (NOT as Ron Weasley [very different]), then simply look Vincent in the eye and remark, “I very much hope to be The Whittle this time.”
If the person you are playing with is not an idiot, he/she will understand by your use of “The Whittle” that you are a backgammon aficionado and perhaps even an excellent lover. However, if they are like Vincent (an idiot) and look at you strangely when you say “The Whittle,” clench your hand into a fist and shake it warningly.
Pro tip: If you want to really seal the deal, it is also appropriate to announce at random intervals throughout the game that “The Whittle cannot be forgotten,” or “Take The Whittle away from me NOW before I do something CRAZY.”
Step 2: Cheesy fingers (and a toady)
For this essential second step, you will need cheesy fingers and a toady to do your bidding (in that order). Having cheesy fingers is an obvious reason not to touch The Whittle(s) yourself. Instead, have your toady move your pieces for you during your turn. Should Vincent look at you questioningly regarding this arrangement, simply hold up your cheesy fingers and say “Riddle me this one, fancy boy.”
…hold up your cheesy fingers and say “Riddle me this one, fancy boy.”
After Vincent has backed down and you’ve selected your toady, provide vague instruction to your toady regarding what to do with your Whittle (e.g. “Go left” or “Back it on up!”). Should the toady’s move fall in your favor, take the credit. Should the move perform poorly, blame your toady and put him down by calling him a “stinker” (it is not good to have an overly confident toady*). Do this until the game is over.
If Vincent still questions whether you really know how to play backgammon, share a look with your toady that says, “Not only is this guy bananas, but he had also strongly implied that other people at this party would be wearing Halloween costumes and yet I’m clearly the only one!”
*SportsPuke cannot be held responsible if your toady turns on you.
Step 3: Put it all together
We’ve covered a lot in this impressively organized article, including Whittle 101, cheesy fingers and controlling your toady. Now it’s up to you to put it all together.
Backgammon has delighted the masses for more than 400 million years and you deserve to experience the remarkably sensuous joy that it induces. Remember to mumble and avoid eye contact, and with these helpful tips you will quickly rule The Whittle without actually having to learn how to play backgammon.
And that’s a feeling good enough to make your nose fall off and crumble into a chalky, gray dust (but not to worry, my friends — this one’s good to eat!).
This message has been brought to you by SportsPuke Inc. (formerly SportsBelch Inc.). SportsPuke is no longer affiliated in any way with SportsBelch. Questions about this? Email Digger at digger@sportspuke.com. SportsPuke does NOT endorse whaling.
