How To Survive A Hurricane In Fifteen Easy Steps
1. Turn on weather channel. Note lines for bottled water, gas, and plywood. Hit panic mode the minute you realize you are in the “cone of concern.”
2. Ignoring the gallons of available tap water from your kitchen sink, map out strategic plan to find brand name water bottles in your neighborhood. Camp outside Walmart at 5:30 a.m. until the supply truck rolls in.
3. Tune into weather channel, chew your fingernails down to bloody stubs and tell everyone on social media how frightened you are.
4. Sit in line two hours for gas. Yell obscenities at the guy taking 30 minutes to fill up ten containers for his generator.
5. Stock up on eggs, liquor and bread. Return to store for a case of Twinkies and several bags of Cheetos.
6. Watch old videos online of other catastrophic hurricanes, then tell everyone on social media that you think you might die.
7. Realize you are low on batteries and spend four hours driving around town until you find the last package for 75$ sold by some shady guy at a roadside stand. Ignore the expiration date of 07/2010 on the box.
8. Tune into weather channel and realize you need more wood, more nails, and a helluva lot more toilet paper.
9. Update your will.
10. Wash ALL of your underwear in the event you are unable to do laundry. Consider buying adult diapers.
11. Check The Weather Channel. Eat entire tube of Pringles.
12. Cover all windows with shutters and plywood. Velcro your three cats together so you don’t lose them in the storm. Hunker down in the bathtub with your mattress and the velcroed cats.
13. Consume three sacks of chocolate chip cookies while you wait out the storm.
14. Once the hurricane passes, prepare to live in the Dark Ages in 90 degree heat with no electricity, no hot water, and people who have not bathed in a week.
15. Celebrate your survival by polishing off the rest of the Twinkies.