How to Track Down Your Lost Sock: A Step-by-Step Guide
A laundry list of suggestions to find your fleet of foot escapee.
You’re almost done putting the laundry away after having it sit in the basket for a week. Well done! You get to the end and realize only one thing is missing: a sock. You search around for it desperately, hoping you left it in the dryer or dropped it on the long trek to your room.
If only that were true.
The reality is that your sock is gone, and you’ll be stuck with an odd number for eternity. Here’s an effective guide to track down your lost sock and restore the balance to both your sock drawer and your life.
- Completely take apart the dryer to see if the sock is lodged in there somewhere in the deep dark crevices of the machine. Be sure to take pictures after each step so you can put it back together once you come up empty.
- Obtain a time travel device by any means necessary. Travel forward in time to steal a microscopic tracking device, but don’t go too far and get stuck in one of the 2 million post-apocalypses portrayed in sci-fi literature (my money is on something to do with cats). Now, travel back to just after you placed the socks in the dryer, avoiding your past self, and put the tracker on the sock that is about to escape. Return to the present and despair at the fact that today’s satellites aren’t advanced enough to track it. Destroy the time travel device before it falls into the wrong hands, or you get the urge to go back and try again with your first love.
- Shrink yourself down and enter the dryer. Travel down whatever rabbit hole you come across as you investigate your sock’s mysterious disappearance. Watch out for the stickers that were never removed after purchase and the forgotten receipts.
- Shame it to come out by reciting the poetry written by its matching sock.
- Interrogate the matching sock as to the missing sock’s whereabouts when you realize how flat and insincere that poem was. They spent every waking moment together, much of it close in the darkness of your dingy drawer. Don’t be fooled. It knows something. Make sure to question the other socks that were all in that dryer. Someone will talk.
- Bribe it out with your freshly clean foot just after getting a top-notch pedicure. Place your foot in the dryer, gently swaying it from side to side to attract the sock. If that doesn’t work, place one of your most comfortable shoes inside the dryer and promise you’ll all go out for a nice walk together.
- Get a dog to track down the sock’s scent. Return the dog to your neighbor after he calls the cops.
- Handstand in the laundry area holding a boombox with your feet that’s belting out something along the lines of “These Boots Are Made For Walking” or “A Thousand Miles.” Open the window if it’s raining for dramatic effect. Don’t play anything that asks for claps.
- Find a witch — one of the higher rated ones on Yelp — and have her transform you into a sock. Go undercover in your sock drawer.
- Get in too deep. It’s the only way. Have an undercover sock family with one of the sisters of the boss. Once you’ve obtained the ledger detailing his sock trafficking business and evidence of the socks he’s made disappear, out his illicit activities to the dress socks across town. But not before you rip out the page detailing your lost sock’s location. Leave this life for good.
- Realize you’re a damn sock and you never told that witch you wanted to change back once this whole investigation was complete. Accept your fate and hope that when your family donates your socks that you will eventually become a sock puppet, bringing joy to children each and every day. Or you could be part of a wrestler’s routine and have a cool name. That would be pretty awesome and better than your current life.