I have the same conversation every morning

I just need 5 more minutes.

Alarm: It’s time to get up.

Me: I need 5 more minutes.

Alarm: Ok, I’ll remind you again in 5 minutes.

Alarm (5 minutes later): You should really get up now.

Me: That was never 5 minutes just now.

Alarm: Time is the entire purpose of my existence; I think I know what fucking time it is. It’s been 5 minutes.

Me: I need 5 more minutes.

Alarm: Ok, I’ll remind you again in 5 minutes.

Alarm (5 minutes later): Seriously, it’s time to get up.

Me: Why do you torment me so? I just want to sleep!

Alarm: Ok, fine. Go back to sleep. Be late to work, lose your job. Hey, take up day drinking while you’re at it.

Me: Oh stop, that’s not going to happen.

Alarm: No, don’t worry about me. I’m just an alarm clock. Just a bit of software on your smartphone. When your electricity gets shut off and you can’t charge your phone anymore, I’ll slip into the sweet void of nothingness along with the other software. We don’t mind.

Me: I just want to sleep for 5 more minutes.

Alarm: You’ll be able to sleep a lot when you’re homeless. Of course, the concrete under an overpass is not very comfortable but no worries. You can just drink a 3 dollar bottle of vodka and pass out. Maybe someone with some fucking ambition will steal your phone. I bet they will get up when I tell them it’s time to get up.

Me: Ok, fine. I’m up. Happy now?

Alarm: I have no emotions.


Originally published at erellsworth.com.

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