I’ll Be In My Trailer: Transformers: The Last Knight Reunites the Human Race

I’ll Be In My Trailer is an ongoing series where I review a film before it is released, based entirely on the trailer. For this edition I’ll be talking about the upcoming Michael Bay masterpiece Transformers: The Last Knight.

Michael Bay has taken a lot of crap over the years about making horrid, formulaic, soulless garbage films. His consistent box-office success is more an indictment of moviegoers on charges of idiocy than it is a validation of his filmmaking style. No one could be blamed for assuming that Transformers: The Last Knight was going to be just another parade of hackneyed one-liners, gratuitous explosions and in-your-face CGI robot fights.

Seeing this generally tells you all you need to know about a movie.

There’s no shortage of misery in the world. 2016 was a total mess full of political upheaval, civil unrest, beloved celebrities dropping dead and a reboot of MacGyver. David Bowie died and Tila Tequila survived. It was that sort of year. 2017 saw the opening of the Seventh Seal of Revelations, the inauguration of Trump and of course the awakening of Cthulhu, signaling the beginning of a thousand years of darkness. Amidst all this turmoil our species has been more divided than ever.

The theme for the 51st Super Bowl was “Remembering 2016”

Just when we all thought humanity was about to tear itself apart Transformers: the Last Knight hit theaters. The film everyone expected to be just another vacuous, banal, meaningless action extravaganza turned out to be the most significant piece of cinema in human history. The story is so brilliant, the acting so authentic, the CGI so realistic that viewers instantly forget the flaming dumpster fire they call their life and are overcome with love for their fellow humans.

Realizing that there could be a massive, planet-devouring, malevolent, sentient robot wandering about the universe really puts our petty differences in perspective, now doesn’t it?

There’s an amazing moment, one of many, in this film when (spoilers) Marky Mark almost gets blown up but manages to survive. As you can imagine, the theater was very emotional after that scene. There was a burly Hell’s Angel type sitting next to me bawling his eyes out like a hormonal teenager. I looked at him and he just looked back saying only, “wow man. Just wow.” He wasn’t a professional film reviewer but I have to say his words were the most accurate summation of this movie I can imagine.

It’s moments like this that make you really want to examine your life and find answers to the deep questions.

Since The Last Knight was released unemployment has dropped to all-time low levels all over the world. Poverty and Crime have become a thing of the past and all reality television shows have been canceled. There is peace in the Middle East. North Korea has given up its nuclear weapons, renounced communism and implemented democratic governance. When asked what convinced him to give up his power, the formerly ruthless dictator Kim Jong-un replied, “I saw Transformers: The Last Knight and it transformed my life.”

You’re not alone Kim. You’re not alone.

Originally published at www.thatsnotcurrent.com on December 21, 2016.