I’m Perfect and This is My Morning Routine

You Can’t Do All of This, But You Should If You Want to Be Happy

Photo by Marion Michele on Unsplash

I don’t know why everyone is so lazy. People with kids who say they can’t work out every morning because their kid is “crying.” People with jobs who can’t “fit in” 30 minutes of transcendental meditation because of their commute. What a crock of sh*t.

I do this every day. And I am super successful. I am happy. I live in a house with a white picket fence. I have 2.4 children. I never raise my voice. My doctor always tells me I am the healthiest person she has ever seen. Not that I’m bragging. But it’s because of my morning routine.

No, you can’t do it. Because you are always inside of your own head. Saying you can’t. Probably because of your low self esteem. Like the time your doctor said you were “prohibited” from exercising because of your heart and you listened. Haha. And you wonder why you got fat.

I’m going to tell you what I do every morning as motivation. Even though I know you are weaker than me. But maybe someday, you will develop a sh*ttier routine that works for you. Good luck.


4:30 AM — 5:00 AM

  • Wake up to a soothing bath of sunlight from my handcrafted solar powered sun dial that stores energy to wake me up when it’s still dark. It doesn’t make noise because it knows I am strong enough to wake up when it emits light. It’s called The Warrior’s Sun Dial.
  • Immediately make the bed. Even though my wife doesn’t wake up until 6:30 AM, this is how I have to start my day. So I make her go sleep on one of the kids’ floors until her wake up time. This is good for her back. And my hospital corners are on fleek.
  • I drink my glass of perfectly warmed water sitting next to my bed. I had an artist create this warming machine so the water is at peak performance temperature. The lemon is organic and cut the night before. I squeeze it with the amount of force necessary to dilute the water 11% with its flavor.
  • I meditate for 20 minutes. I used to use an app, but then I realized I was too good for an app. My mind is so calm sometimes I don’t even time myself. Because after 20 minutes my eyes open on their own.
  • I write down 5 things I am grateful for. Like my rock hard abs. My hair. My new car. My bros at work. His Holiness the Dalai Lama. Paleo desserts. Oh yeah, my kids. World peace. If you aren’t as worldly and in touch as I am, you can just talk about your partner.
Photo by Aaron Burden on Unsplash

5:00 AM — 5:30 AM

  • I take a cold water plunge in my outdoor rock-walled tub. It was built by rock experts that I brought over from somewhere where they study rock formations for ultimate cold water immersion therapy. It cost $37,000, but that is nothing compared to what the four second plunge does for me every morning.
  • I hop in my infrared sauna for ten minutes. This wasn’t cheap either. Neither is the maintenance to have them come out and balance the rocks (same guys) inside every week, but it’s worth it. Because the cold with the hot following it is brain magic. Like the McDLT, but if it worked.
  • I listen to two books at the same time for eighteen minutes. Both at 2x speed. One headphone in each ear. By doing this I simultaneously take in the perfect amount of information from both books. Even if it seems like I can’t hear anything or remember anything, I do. Because of karma.
“There’s so much more to a book than just the reading.”
— Maurice Sendak

5:30 AM — 6:00 AM

  • I ride my Peloton bike for twenty five minutes in a live class. I always come in first. Because there is no second place. While I am riding, I drink 24 ounces of water with eight nutritional supplements, powder-based, mixed in. For high performance athletes. I don’t know why I have to order some of them from out of the country.
  • I cool down with five minutes of hot yoga. I installed a special heating/cooling system in my home gym so this would be possible. I turn the temperature up to 150 degrees and get centered. I only need five minutes because my muscle memory is so good that my muscles loosen up on their own.
Photo by Sam Austin on Unsplash

6:00 AM — 6:30 AM

  • I make my morning smoothie. It has kale, almonds, gingko biloba, chia seeds, one raw free-range egg with no antibiotics, green powder (powder made from eleven different green vegetables), creatine, unsweetened coconut milk nursed from baby coconuts in a pristine bucolic setting, goji berries, and ghee.
  • I go into my greenhouse and sit in my row of herbs. Some people use essential oil diffusers, but those aren’t real. So I built (a company built it, but I put the last beam in) a greenhouse for my morning routine. Depending on how I am feeling (always centered, but I’m not perfect) I choose specific herbs that would heal my senses. If I was ever off. Which I’m not.
  • I let my hypoallergenic dog out in the backyard. We used electromagnetic “training” to teach our dog to climb up on top of the compost bin and sh*t inside of it. He’s pretty famous on YouTube. But we’ve never seen it. Because we don’t allow screens in the home. Except in my man cave. And my home office. Because it’s for work.
“Some people dream of success, while other people get up every morning and make it happen.”
— Wayne Huizenga

6:30 AM — 7:00 AM

  • My wife and kids get up. I’m not sure what they do. Because I am locked in on my morning routine. Because I am a warrior. Who stops at nothing to be healthy. So once they are up, I put on my noise-cancelling headphones and listen to classical music while I work out in our home gym. I need the headphones because if not I will be sidetracked by “cute” things my kids say or “comments” from my wife about where the kids have to be after school.
  • I do thirty different exercises in thirty minutes. Each one lasts exactly one minute. I don’t need a timer because I have one. Inside my head. Because of my morning routine. I sweat the perfect amount for maximum water loss and potential rehydration.
  • I have a BPA-free bottle that is attached via artisanal velcro to my arm, with a bamboo straw that goes near my mouth so I can drink another 24 ounces of water. This time with brain stimulants for the work day. They come in a nondescript package because my doctor says they aren’t technically “legal” in America. Yet.
Photo by Victor Freitas on Unsplash

7:00 AM — 8:00 AM

  • This is the most hectic time of the morning. I’m sure you can relate. My wife is packing the kids’ lunches, making sure they ate their breakfast, making sure they get dressed, trying to get them to stop punching each other in the face, while also making sure they learn their morning Latin. But she knows about my training and how it may affect my day. So I do my ironman training now.
  • I swim in our lap pool for ten minutes.
  • I bike for twenty minutes around our neighborhood.
  • Then I run for thirty minutes in our nearby nature preserve. They say you aren’t supposed to “exercise” in there because of things like wetlands and the environment. But isn’t exercise natural? So it’s nature.
  • My kids leave at 7:58 to go to school so I always just miss them. But listen, if you want to be on top of your morning game and be a true warrior for the day, you have to stay focused.
Photo by Annie Spratt on Unsplash

8:00 AM — 8:30 AM

  • I take a hot shower for five minutes. I wash with organically harvested and hand-carved bars of soap. I use bio-conscious shampoo with plant-based hair thickener. You can never protect your hair too much.
  • Then I finish with a cold shower for five minutes. I record all my thoughts for the day during this time. If I get cold I just think of those guys in the movie Alive. And how cold it must have been for them on that mountain. But also, too bad they didn’t learn about this morning routine when they were kids.
  • I get dressed in my perfectly tailored clothes. Because when you look good, you feel good. I have a private tailor who works on everything. Even my socks. To make sure my comfort level is always at 100.
  • Once dressed, I do my daily affirmations into the mirror. I can’t tell you what they are because I am working on a motivational book. F*ck Brian Tracy. He’s got nothing on me.
  • I do five more minutes of meditation before the work day begins. This is my last bit of calm before the craziness begins. So I need to get centered one last time. I pretend I am a Tibetan monk. But without a shaved head. Because I have good hair. And I get one with myself.
“Flow with whatever may happen and let your mind be free. Stay centered by accepting whatever you are doing. This is the ultimate.”
— Zhuangzi

The Work Day

Right now I am actually between jobs. Because I was too smart for my old job. And my boss was jealous of me. They were scared I would take over the whole place. And Subway Sandwiches doesn’t like that. They aren’t open to growth principals. Haha, their loss.

Wait until they read my f*cking book.