In a world where cocktail sausages are made from guinea pigs, would shortbread still exist?
Goodness me. Where at all to start?
Well, in order to answer this question with the greatest possible accuracy, I think it’s important first to establish what it is we mean when we talk about ‘cocktail sausages’. In the interest of brevity, a number of reasonable assumptions will be made along the way.
In my experience, cocktail sausages, much like their larger sisters and brothers over in the realm of the ‘regular’ sausage, are absolutely flaming delicious!
In this world, the type of sausage most commonly referred to as a ‘cocktail sausage’ tends to be of the pork variety, and it consists of essentially the same ‘pork based material’ as the ‘regular’ sized breakfast/dinner pork sausage, only it’s a little smaller. So it seems logical for this hypothetical sausage and bread related exploration to assume that the cocktail sausage in question is indeed that of the pork variety, and is simply a smaller version of a ‘regular’ pork sausage.
With this in mind, and assuming that ‘regular’ sized pork sausages in this alternate food all over the place universe are derived from the same source as they are in our universe, as it has not been specified otherwise, it is then reasonable to suggest that the ‘regular’ sized version of the sausage in question here is still derived from everyone’s favourite pink oinky farm animal, the pig. (Caaaaause that’s where pork comes from!)
So the big sausages are made out of pigs but the small sausages are made out of guinea pigs? WTF?
Taking this into account, if cocktail sausages in this hypothetical world of fucked up food are in fact made out of guinea pigs, as opposed to the much larger but not closely related pig, but the ‘regular’ sized sausages are made out of pigs, and remembering that a cocktail sausage is simply a smaller version of a ‘regular’ sausage in end product form, it would suggest that the laws for producing smaller versions of food in this strange new world are vastly different to ours, and are far more intricate and complex than the simple ‘slice and dice’ tactics we are used to! It seems there may be some kind of atomised conversion, animal disturbing, harshly dark, culinary arts going on, and that in order to produce a smaller version of a food item under these trippy dipping dinner flipping food laws, things might have to get messy! Just how messy? We will attempt to figure that out.
Sometimes it’s fun when things get messy.
In order to determine what kind of underlying laws might be in place in a world that requires a smaller version of a food stuff to be produced from a completely different production source to the regular sized version of that food stuff, it makes sense to examine the contrasting characteristics of the two production sources we have already established from the example given. Those being pig for the regular sized sausages, and guinea pig for the cocktail sausages. After exploring the relevant differences between these sources I was able to deduce that in order to produce a smaller version of a food stuff in this mildly disturbing world we now find ourselves cooking in, an external material source must be used for the production of that smaller version that…
a. Is not the same as the source used to produce the ‘regular’ sized version of the food product. (This one was obvious, as outlined before, the source used for the production of the ‘regular’ sized sausages is that of pig, and the source used to produce the cocktail sausages is guinea pig, and as we well know, these are not the same thing.)
b. Is a living thing. (Both the pig and the guinea pig are living things, suggesting that the source of production must be aliiiiiive!)
c. Is much smaller than the source used to produce the ‘regular’ sized food item. (The guinea pig used as the source of production for the cocktail sausages is much smaller than the pig that is used to produce the ‘regular’ sized sausages.)
d. Contains within its name the name of the source used to produce the ‘regular’ food item. (Guinea pig, the cocktail sausage source, contains the word ‘pig’ in its name, which is the name given to the ‘regular’ sized sausage source.)
e. Is not closely related biologically or aesthetically to the source used to produce the ‘regular’ food item. (Guinea pigs are a member of the rodent family, while pigs are a member of the suidae family. They are two vastly different animals, bearing very little physical resemblance to each other, and they are not closely related in standard ecological terms.)
When I was a child, I asked for a guinea pig for my birthday, but my parents misheard. The very first morning of my life as a nine year old was a very oinky morning! (This didn’t actually happen)
(It must be noted, we are assuming here that the same laws of food shrinkability in this alternate world apply to all types of food stuffs, not just pork products, and that the dimensions and conversions implied by these laws are universal.)
So now, finally, with these rigidly defined rules in place, in our quest to determine the existence or non existence of shortbread in this horrifying world of culinary chaos, we can apply our rules to ‘regular’ bread in an effort to determine what kind of production source would be required to create a smaller, or ‘shorter’, version of that bread, and whether a viable source is actually available. (I hope you’re egg sided) As the majority of bread in the world, or at least in my world, is created from common wheat, we are going to assume the source of ‘regular’ sized bread here to be just that, wheat.
Sometimes instead of saying ‘excited’, I prefer to say ‘egg sided’, just for the poos and giggles, and since we’re talking about food here, I thought it was appropriate.
So with wheat now established as our production source for ‘regular’ sized bread, using the rules we have put in place, we can accurately estimate that the source required to produce a smaller, or ‘shorter’ version of this wheaty bready goodness in this alternate and truly unruly foody dimension must display the following characteristics.
a. It must not be wheat.
b. It must be alive!
c. It must be much smaller than wheat.
d. It must contain the word ‘wheat’ within its name.
e. It must not be closely related biologically or aesthetically to wheat.
And dishearteningly, after an extensive bout of intense pondering, i’m afraid it seems that there is nothing in existence that displays all of these attributes, unless ‘Shredded Wheat’ is alive and isn’t actually made from wheat. In light of this revolutionarily unnerving evidence, I would be tempted to conclude that, in this alternate universe of factory farmed guinea pigs and questionable ratios, unfortunately, it would not be possible for shortbread to exist, as there appears to be no viable material source available for its production. According to Adam’s 2019 ‘Laws of culinary shrinkage in far away worlds’ that is.
But here’s the kicker.
Shortbread, in a sugar coated, butter slathered, deliciously mannered defiance of the simple and far less delicious reality that its name suggests, is not merely a smaller or ‘shorter’ version of ‘regular’ bread, but is in fact ‘a traditional Scottish biscuit usually made from one part white sugar, two parts butter, and three parts oat flour.’
I once worked in a Scottish shop in San Francisco, where I dressed up as a Scot, wore a kilt, sold whiskey to weary travellers (disgustingly wealthy computer people and business creatures), and ate 37 kilograms of shortbread every day. (This did actually happen)
So much like how a guinea pig isn’t actually a pig, it turns out that shortbread isn’t actually bread, it’s a type of biscuit! (Oh the irony.) (Is that irony?) (I’m not sure.)
And unfortunately, after deep deep deep consideration, it seems that the intricacies of biscuit baking and how that process relates to the laws and formulas outlined above is far beyond my hypothetical calculation powers.
And so, with a deep yet hopeful sense of disappointment, the only answer I can offer to the profound question, ‘In a world where cocktail sausages are made from guinea pigs, would shortbread still exist?’, is, I’m afraid, a resounding maybe.
Oh to behold the weird and wonderful mysteries of life!
(And yes, I did know from the beginning that shortbread isn’t actually a shorter version of bread, and yes, I have just wasted a gargantuan amount of time.)
But it’s fun to be daft! :)
Now, I’m hungry.
Goodbye.
