Linnea Cooley
Jun 23 · 2 min read
Photo by The Lazy Artist Gallery from Pexels

Family reunions are a great way to catch up with your cousins and to hear all of the latest gossip. Your cousins are known to drop some juicy tidbits, but nothing compares to what they’ve told you this time.

Cousin Maggie is an influencer now.

Yeah, you heard that right. An influencer. Like on Instagram. Like those people who take photos on the beach as their job and make thousands of dollars while doing it. Being an influencer is pretty much every millennial’s dream, and now your least impressive cousin is living it.

How did this happen?

Being an influencer is all about branding yourself and making yourself stand out. Cousin Maggie is nice and everything, but she definitely doesn’t “stand out”. Uncle Steve literally always mixes her name up with Cousin Christine, even though Christine is like ten years older and has much larger pores.

It just doesn’t make sense.

Most influencers are really pretty, but like, is Cousin Maggie even pretty? I feel like she isn’t. She definitely wasn’t the first cousin to have a boyfriend. That was me.

Influencers make tons of money advertising for different brands because their followers trust their advice.

Um…correct me if I’m wrong, but no one has taken advice from Cousin Maggie, like ever. When Cousin Hayley was going through a break-up, she definitely did not call Cousin Maggie to ask for advice. No, she got all the advice she needed when she called me. And when Aunt Ginny was buying a whole new work wardrobe, she definitely didn’t ask Cousin Maggie to come with her to Banana Republic. Aunt Ginny would never. And when the family was picking the color scheme for Grandpa Sam’s funeral, no one even thought to ask Cousin Maggie, because she’s like, just that irrelevant!

So, I guess it’s just kind of confusing why 78.5 thousand people want to hear about Cousin Maggie’s daily life when no one in the family even opens her Christmas card.

Well, good for Cousin Maggie I guess. Maybe now she can finally afford to fix her nose.

Pickle Fork

Letting creative juices flow.

Linnea Cooley

Written by

Linnea Cooley is an undergraduate writer at the University of Maryland. Follow her on twitter @linnea_cooley or visit her website linneacooley.weebly.com

Pickle Fork

Letting creative juices flow.

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