MAY HOROSCOPES
Sometimes people take their astrological sign too seriously. They believe Taurus’ are stubborn to a fault, Virgo’s are neat freaks and an Aries is CONSTANTLY horny. These people are absolutely right. Always err on the side of caution with horoscopes, you’ll be glad you’re living enveloped by crippling fear!
Aries, March 21 — April 19
You look different. Have you lost weight? OF COURSE NOT YOU FAT FUCK! You should really think about it though, the week of the 13th is a great time to start embracing spring and losing pounds.
Taurus, April 20 — May 20
As soon as you read this, start throwing out the things that may be holding you back. Junk mail, oversized hats, your dumb dog. Don’t question it, just TOSS THEM! It’s the only way to truly live.
Gemini, May 21 — June 20
You certainly are in a hurry Gemini. But don’t forget where you are, or what you’re doing. The new moon brings rash decisions and regret! Be careful not to run any red lights and look out for speed cameras.
Cancer, June 21 — July 22
Be careful not to work yourself to the bone. No seriously, I had a vision of you writing and your little finger bones popped right outta your fingertips it was so fucking gross! Lucky number: 17
Leo, June 23 — August 22
Pride goeth before a fall. And a fall goeth before a crack in the sidewalk. BUT, a crack in the sidewalk does not goeth anywhere. It just is, and will remain there until someone gets irritated enough to smooth it out. Right?
Virgo, August 23 — September 22
Do you ever wander the street at night, looking at the big city and feeling totally suffocated by it’s overwhelming expanse? If so, you should see a doctor. That seems like a terrible way to live, hun.
Libra, September 23 — October 21
Sometimes it’s great to stop and smell the roses or coffee or whatever you want to smell no judgement. But also it’s great to stay on track. For instance, because you stopped to read this, you’ve missed your train. :(
Scorpio, October 22 — November 21
Here’s a tip: make a appointment for the dentist the week of the 22nd. You’ll be glad you did! Besides, everyone thinks you have jacked up teeth but no one wants to admit it. Sorry.
Sagittarius, November 22 — December 21
Money is tight this month, so as the saying goes, try not to spend it all in one place. Because what if that one place is Pier 1 Imports and you’re just stuck with a bunch of decorative wicker balls? That would be terrible.
Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
Remember that movie Aliens? Not Alien, but the second, plural, film. Before the alien would attack you it would curl up its lip — but its like C’MON aliens don’t even have lips! Oh yeah, lucky number 9.
Aquarius, January 20 — February 18
A spark of genius arrives on the 15th, and it leads to big career wins, but be careful not to tell anyone your idea. Not your mom and definitely not you-know-who in accounting. Learn how to file a patent maybe.
Pisces, February 19 — March 20
Forget acquiring new skills and tech to “make life easier.” Instead, focus on improving what you already have. Why not accentuate your positives, rearrange your shitty ikea furniture, or roll your savings over into a high yield CD?
If you liked your horoscope this month, why not LOVE it?
>> Follow me on Twitter for some non-astrological sadness.
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>> Check out my postcard blog, Glad You’re Not Here!
>> Find out where I am and send me money! J/K weirdos.
Morgan S is a writer that may or may not know the future. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.
