My life, according to my targeted advertising
When I scroll through social media, I see targeted ads that show every potential version of myself. Ad Me is sophisticated, thoughtful, and based on everything I ever clicked on. If I buy those products, even I can be Ad Me.
So what’s it like to be Ad Me?
First off, I apparently have babies. My youngest baby needs a unique blanket, and not his cousin’s hand-me-downs, because my babies deserve the best.
When my children are not babies, they are preschool age, and only the perfect toys will do. Wait, did I say toys? I meant “genius training tools.” These include wooden blocks crafted from forests where symphonies by Mozart and Beethoven are played, so the trees grow up smart.
The kids’ teddy bears, clad in adorable hand-stitched astronaut suits, will prepare them for their future PhDs in rocket science. However, I am so good at limiting their screen time that the kids don’t even know what a phone, computer, or spaceship are. They think it’s still the 1800s! Ad Me is such a great mom.
Also, those darling kids only drink organic, energy-packed apple-grape juice in wasteful pouches (because geniuses can’t just eat fruit!). Sure, those pouches are loaded with sugar, but no one would market them to kids if they weren’t healthy, right?
Judging by the amount of laundry detergent ads in my feed, I do loads of laundry because I am a woman.
But I am a savvy, confident businesswoman who also works as a truck mechanic while studying for my degree in IT support part-time. Fortunately, my childhood Barbie doll prepared me for having a different career every day of the week.
I’m so busy, in fact, that I need to order meal kits. Assembling food from ingredients in my fridge is just too much for millennial me. How will I know how much broccoli to use unless they ship it to me?
I do try to make time for myself, though. I am the type of person who uses an alarm clock that plays gentle music. The clock even has scent cartridges that wake me to the aroma of roses or pine, not a cat hacking up a hairball under the bed.
Did I mention that I LOVE makeup? Especially “non-toxic” makeup! I tried coating my body in lead and mercury, but it was really harmful. Everyone at the hospital kept saying, “How are you not dead?” and that’s just too much negativity in my life.
I’m a minimalist because my home and two vacation homes have no clutter. I also relax in boats on lakes and work out by hiking. I am a woman who hikes at sunset, because I like to still be in the wilderness when the wolves come out.
I also have shoes. These include dress shoes (dress to impress!), flats (because we have to give a name to shoes without heels) and sneakers (to run from coyotes).
Time to go! I need to put on my organic lip balm and teach astrophysics to the little darlings via a rag doll. While standing on a mountain at sunrise, of course.
Wow, this is exhausting. Can you hand me an energy pouch?
