New Study Rallies Support for Compulsive Snoozing

Backed by the full support of the National Snoozing Foundation- an organization dedicated to justifying the massive amounts of precious life energy wasted on sleeping by the punctually challenged- the American Medical Association recently released the findings of their two-year, country-wide report on the role that sleep plays in the average human existence.

In an interview conducted by Martin Greer- head of operations for the NSF- a representative for the AMA elaborated on the results of the study and how these pertain to the contemporary meaning of life:

“You know, Life can’t possibly be that good if you have to die for 8 hours every single night just to be able to keep functioning semi-properly. Because that’s basically what sleep is- little trial versions of death. And you’re asleep for about a third of your life. You know what that means? Our biological make-up has decided, through thousands of years of evolution, that experiencing only 67% of everything you’ll ever experience is enough. 67%. That’s all you need to pass. That’s a D+ at best. So, basically, existence is the biological equivalent of a middle-school gym class:

Did you show up?
What did you do?
Mostly just stood there.
Alright, here’s your certificate.

In summation, what I’m trying to say here is that anything with standards that low isn’t really worth losing any sleep over. So go ahead and hit that snooze button for the 5th time, evolutionary history is on your side.”

The interview- forced into a two-part format by Greer’s inability to stay awake during the allotted time- will be released in its entirety at some point in the future when the NSF’s board of directors are able to stay awake for long enough to reach a consensus.