NOVEMBER HOROSCOPES
They say November is a time to be thankful but honestly I don’t get it. The weather is bad. People are playing terrible xmas music. Parades are fuckin DUMB. I guess you could be thankful you’re not dead yet. While you’re at it — find your Zodiac sign’s element for a bad horoscope.
Fire: Aries, Leo, Sagittarius
Be thankful for indoor heating. Fire signs like yours aren’t used to the chill of a bleak winter. And believe me when I say bleak. Sometimes hope can be as short as the days, and when you look at the news on Bing.com (sponsored post!) it’s easy to see why. Natural disasters and national ones, too. But don’t forget to fortify your own home from the elements or crazed acquaintances. Don’t open any doors on the 17th. Lucky number: 15
Earth: Taurus, Virgo, Capricorn
You’ll find yourself getting nostalgic and a bit weepy this month. I get it. We were once so young, and time is moving so fast. But as cheesy as it sounds, if you don’t count your blessings, you’ll fall into a spiral of self-doubt and carbo-loading, and that won’t be good for anyone — especially if you have a beach vacation planned. On another note, it’s 2018, don’t be so goddamn petty! Other people have real problems! Zika is still a threat! Lucky number: 15
Air: Gemini, Libra, Aquarius
Your optimism is running dry this November and I mean, in this political climate? WHO CAN BLAME YOU? So you know what, just take this time for you! Binge watch some Netflix, have a spa day, fuck it, eat a whole sleeve of Chips Ahoy (the full size ones.) It’s fine not to be the dumb, naive, kind of idiotic person that always looks on the bright side. Honestly those people are kind of the worst and that’s why no one ate lunch with them in middle school. Lucky number: 15
Water: Cancer, Scorpio, Pisces
It’s time to start thinking about your future. What do you want to do with your life FOR REAL because this “gig” right now? C’mon. It’s bullshit. Do you have career goals? Maybe try following them and get your shit together! You could even start investing for your future because interest rates are FINALLY going up you know! Embrace the fact that deep down you are just YUPPIE SCUM. It’s not so bad once you embrace it. Lucky number: 15
If you liked your horoscope this month, why not LOVE it?
>> Follow me on Twitter for some non-astrological sadness.
>> Or Instagram, I guess?
>> Check out my postcard blog, Glad You’re Not Here!
>> Find out where I am and send me money! J/K weirdos.
Morgan S is a writer that may or may not know the future. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.
