October Horoscopes
Happy October, gouls! What better way to kick off this super spooky month than with a nonchalant description of your final moments on Earth? There’s no telling when your death will happen, but at least you can constantly lie awake at night in fear of it!
Aries, March 21 — April 19
Your confidence will get the best of you in the end, sports fan. You’ll try to free-throw a crumpled piece of paper into the trash and miss. To make matters worse, when you go to pick your trash up you’ll slip and snap your spine… in two places.
Taurus, April 20 — May 20
You’ve always been known to be stubborn to a fault, and now it’s TOO LATE. You’ll neglect that nagging cough for too long. What you thought was just post-nasal drip will turn out to be a tiny bird growing in your lungs. It’s poop will give you sepsis and slowly poison you.
Gemini, May 21 — June 20
An air sign, your demise will ultimately end up there. A team-bonding experience will take you on a skydiving excursion. You’ll pull your parachute string and… it will deploy! But upon landing, the chords will tangle around your neck, asphyxiating you.
Cancer, June 21 — July 22
While watching reruns of The Office, you’ll realize you’ve misplaced the remote. In your search, you get your head stuck between the furniture. How did that even happen? Anyway, despite your cries for help, you will be found days later, emaciated and… dead.
Leo, July 23 — August 22
You’ll run into a goodwill on your break and buy an old blazer. What you assumed was a shoulder-pad has turned out to be an angry spider. I’s venom will slowly paralyze you. One morning, realizing you can’t feel your fingers, you’ll gasp your last breath.
Virgo, August 23 — September 22
You dummo! You attempted to heat up a delicious pot-pie but neglected to notice the pilot light was out in your old-ass oven. The gas leak will put you to sleep first, but you’ll never wake up. You didn’t even get to eat that pot pie!
Libra, September 23 — October 21
While trying out some moves at the gym you’ll slip on the balance beam and bust your leg pretty bad.Once the bruises clear, you’ll think all is well again — but guess again! Blood clots. BLOOD CLOTS! Sorry but guess what? You’re dead.
Scorpio, October 22 — November 21
You’ll start to recieve strange, even disturbing packages in the mail. A cryptic note, dead flowers, a human turd and lastly, anthrax. It appears to be a spurned lover — how the tables have turned.
Sagittarius, November 22 — December 21
How can you say no to a last minute trip to Europe? Trick question — you can’t. But did you forget they drive on the opposite side of the road in the UK? I mean I guess you did because you’ll get hit by a car there.
Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
It all starts as a pretty normal breakfast. You know, eggs, bacon, perhaps some fruit. BUT wouldn’t a toaster strudel be nice? Answer: YES. So you toast one up, but on trying to unplug the toaster, you’ll be electrocuted. And die.
Aquarius, January 20 — February 18
Being a vigilante lifeguard is tough work, but you do it anyway because it’s your CALLING. Unfortunately for you, it can get tiring in those waves. And you’re exhausted from a day of saving lives. Gurgle.
Pisces, February 19 — March 20
In a craft night gone horribly awry, you’ll end up stapling your fingers together. As you laugh at your faux pas, you’ll slip in crazy glue and glue your legs together. After you get tangled in yarn your muffled screams will never be heard.
If you liked your horoscope this month, why not LOVE it?
>> Follow me on Twitter for some non-astrological sadness.
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Morgan S is a writer that may or may not know the future. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.
