Our Luxury Train Has A ‘No Train-Top Chases’ Guarantee
Hello, and thank you for choosing Armtrack Trains.
Before our patented “comfort gas” sprays and lulls you into a dry, dreamless slumber, we’d like to take a moment to draw your attention to the ceiling of your train car.
Hear anything? Or rather, hear anything besides my co-conductor’s bloodcurdling screams (he is fine)? No? Excellent. That silence is because we guarantee no train-top chase scenes on all Armtrack trains, no matter their orientation.
ALL ABOOOOOAAARRRD!
My apologies, ladies and gentlemen, I’d forgotten we’d already boarded and are in motion. Please disregard.
As I was saying, we provide this “no chase scene” promise so that you may enjoy our locomotive without all the commotion that is known to occur when a group of unshaven ruffians are shouting and running around overhead.
And we keep all the train shovels, ropes and pistols commonly used in such scuffles locked up in the conductor’s cabin, so you don’t have to worry about things like that getting out.
….
Apologies for the long pause there, folks, it seems some of the comfort gas may have seeped into the conductor’s cabin due to a technical malfunction. Dozed off a little bit, but rest assured we are still on course. Thank goodness for train tracks, ladies and gentlemen. Always dependable, just like Armtrack.
We want to do everything we can to ensure you comfort, ladies and gentlemen, which is one of the main reasons we prohibit chase scenes aboard our trains. If you are caught attempting a chase scene or fistfight on the roof of our train, you will be punished.
I have just noticed that my co-conductor is missing, ladies and gentlemen. I was supposed to be keeping an eye on him, but he appears to have slipped out when the comfort gasses rendered me incapacitated on the floor. If you see him, please ask him to report back to the conductor’s cabin immediately. Speak with firmness and do not look him in his one eye that looks like a poached egg.
…Speaking of eggs, perhaps you’d like to enjoy a snack at our food cart? It’s hard to eat when there’s a chase or a western-style shootout going on overhead, isn’t it? Not a problem on Armtrack Trains, where you’re free to chew-chew on the choo-choo without the pew-pew.
….
Woops, another long pause there folks, and I apologize. This one was my fault, as I drank a little too much cough syrup for a cold I am fighting and slowly losing to. On the plus side, we are still on the correct course, and my co-conductor has returned to conductor’s cabin none the worse for wear, though he is missing a tooth.
If anyone finds a blood-red molar in the seat upholstery, please consider it a souvenir for your train-top-chase-scene-free experience aboard Armtrack Trains. We will reach our destination three days later than planned.
