Paul “Eddie Haskell” Ryan Announces His Retirement from Congress
Move seen as a tacit admission that he doesn’t want to go down with the sinking Republican ship.
To the surprise of many of his Republican colleagues, Paul Ryan announced yesterday in a closed-door meeting with his caucus that he would not run for reelection in 2018.
Republican lawmakers left that session speaking in unison like well-trained Sinclair television news anchors:
“Speaker Ryan has decided not to run for reelection so he can spend more time with his family. His decision has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that if Republicans maintain control of Congress after the mid-term elections, it would be as shocking as when Trump was elected president.”
Following his meeting with House Republicans, Ryan held a press conference where he summed up his career-long efforts to demolish the safety net for lower- and middle-class Americans:
“I like to think I’ve done my part, my little part in history to set us on a better course.”
A record of accomplishment?
Ryan, who was first elected to the House in 1998, styles himself as a fiscal conservative committed to good government and balancing the federal budget. However, several long-time acquaintances confirm that Ryan’s true agenda was to crush the hopes and dreams of hard-working American people.
“Everyone I know is wealthy,” Ryan has reportedly said, “why should I care whether anyone else can provide for their families or afford to see a doctor?”
Although Ryan managed to worm his way to the top of the Republican trash heap through a combination of boyish good looks and well-disguised insincerity, his career has been marked with few legislative achievements.
Of the more than 70 bills and amendments he sponsored during his tenure in the House, only two have become law. Both were of minimal import: the first, in 2000, renamed a post office in his district; the second reduced taxes on arrow shafts.
As Speaker of the House, one of Ryan’s few accomplishments was to usher a tax bill through Congress in late 2017. These tax changes, according to the Congressional Budget Office, will cause the federal budget deficit to skyrocket during the next 10 years if they remain unchanged.
In a startling moment of honesty, a well-known Republican operative praised Ryan’s ability to abandon his core principles to score political points:
“Despite Ryan’s reputation as a deficit hawk, when push came to shove, keeping himself and his Republican colleagues in office by hoodwinking the middle class into believing that they’ll see more money in their paychecks was more important to him than any of his principles.”
Future political plans
Ryan stated in yesterday’s press conference that he has no future plans to run for political office. However, pundits are not taking him at his word, citing his alleged reluctance in 2015 to run for Speaker of the House:
“Ryan has always denied that he has any political ambitions beyond serving his constituents,” said one. “However, he clearly has a martyr/hero complex. I think he would love to be drafted to run as the Republican candidate for president once Trump flames out.”
