SEPTEMBER HOROSCOPES
Happy Virgo season, or whatever the hell the kids are calling it these days. But is it really happy? Everything is slowly dying, the year is almost over and YOU haven’t accomplished anything, have you? Your parents must be disappointed.
Aries, March 21 — April 19
A big trip, or should I say an excursion, is headed your way. Don’t forget to stay hydrated! Hydration is the key. It’s the secret to great skin, translucent pee, and decoding the Mayan Calendar.
Taurus, April 20 — May 20
You’ll find out the best trick to losing 15lbs in 30 days, but no one believes you because they think you’re just trying to sell them on one of those nutritional powder Ponzi schemes. Go eat glass shrimp by yourself.
Gemini, May 21 — June 20
Moral decisions abound, especially the week of the 20th. You can swear up and down you didn’t loogie in your roommate’s sandwich but your alibi is TOTAL SHIT CAROL FESS UP! GOD.
Cancer, June 21 — July 22
You’ve been hiding from the truth. You dropped a big truth in front of your loved ones last month and you’re afraid of what they think of you now, but you’re gonna be OK because It’s a poop, big deal. Everyone does it.
Leo, July 23 — August 22
You’ll need to muster your courage this month, because I am seeing a scary-ass bug in your future. Seriously looks like something out of a Cronenberg film it’s so gnarly. Oh, and you’ll think you crushed it but when you pick up the newspaper it’ll run away!
Virgo, August 23 — September 22
You know how sometimes you start watching a show that’s so engrossing you just plow right through it in 72 hours and only get off the couch to pee? So yeah that was my weekend how about you BB?
Libra, September 23 — October 21
It’s never a good idea to take justice into your own hands. Because A) you aren’t Batman and B) I dunno just don’t do it. Everything will right itself the week of the 10th, you’ll see.
Scorpio, October 22 — November 21
It’s like they always say: Be careful what you wish for, because you may get sucked into a mirror for all eternity when you sell your soul to a wicked witch in exchange for a Sephora gift card.
Sagittarius, November 22 — December 21
You’ve been too hard on yourself lately, and you need to lighten up. It’s not like anyone taped a “kick me” sign to your back. It was “please spit on me” and honestly, we had no idea anyone would do it.
Capricorn, December 22 — January 19
Just because you broke a mirror doesn’t mean you’ll have bad luck, it just means you gotta buy a new mirror! Luckily, there’s an end-of-summer sale at Bed, Bath and Beyond. Just don’t get carried away, they discontinued their coupons.
Aquarius, January 20 — February 18
Despite your obvious immaturity, you’ll find yourself acting as an authority figure this month. Sure, the authority is watching your neighbor’s cat over the weekend but hey loser, it’s a start. Don’t let them pee on the carpet!
Pisces, February 19 — March 20
If you’ve been moody lately, stop it. Summer is over, so there’s nothing to be upset about. Except global warming. And that whale that’s stomach was full of plastic. Also all the displaced children that will never see their parents again. Well, fuck it.
If you liked your horoscope this month, why not LOVE it?
>> Follow me on Twitter for some non-astrological sadness.
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>> Check out my postcard blog, Glad You’re Not Here!
>> Find out where I am and send me money! J/K weirdos.
Morgan S is a writer that may or may not know the future. She has always lived in Brooklyn and definitely has a complex about it. She likes the idea of cats, but doesn’t have any.
