Spain to Revive Inquisition After World Cup Letdown Against Portugal
World Cup 2018
This was written four years ago, during the last World Cup held in Russia, but given the current Round of 16 bracket, it is very possible that these two teams will meet again, in a week’s time in Qatar.
by Joe Váradi
Madrid, SPAIN—In breaking news, the Royal Spanish Football Federation has announced that it will reinstate the long-dormant Spanish Inquisition, for the sole purpose of torturing its national players responsible for the disappointing showing against Portugal in the first round of the FIFA World Cup in Russia on Friday.
Following an impressive yet error-riddled Group Stage opener by the Spanish side against Iberian peninsula neighbor and European defending champion, resulting in a 3:3 tie, the governing body of Spanish football will revive the infamous Medieval tribunal, to exact what it considers fair and equitable punishment for those members of the national team most responsible for the draw.
The most agonizing and spectacular means of torture will be reserved for defender José Ignacio Fernández Iglesias, commonly known as Nacho.
Nacho fouled his Real Madrid teammate and Portuguese superstar Cristiano Ronaldo inside the penalty box within the third minute of the game, earning a penalty kick which Ronaldo easily placed in the top right corner of the Spanish net.
By confirmed accounts, Nacho will be strapped onto el potro, or “the rack”, for several hours this weekend. The treatment is expected to add an inch or two to his 5' 10" frame.
While Nacho scored the most brilliant goal of the game in the 58th minute, putting his team in the lead for much of the second half, his coach, teammates and 30 million superstitious Spanish fans were in general agreement that his early defensive slip-up put the kibosh on his team’s shot at victory.
Spanish goalie David de Gea Quintana, considered by many to be the best goalkeeper in the world, provided an equal measure of disappointment for mishandling a ground roller by (who else) Ronaldo, just before the end of the first half.
David de Gea will be subjected to what the Spaniards have historically referred to as interrogatorio del agua, the forerunner of modern-day waterboarding. His own aquamarine goalie shirt will be stuffed into his mouth, and his handlers will place him in an inverted reclining position and simulate drowning by pouring a toxic mix of Russian vodka and equally potent Russian tap water over his head.
Meanwhile, Man of the Match Ronaldo, having scored a hat trick including a brilliantly placed free kick over the Spanish wall and into the opponent’s net in the 88th minute to equalize, will voluntarily undergo his usual routine of self-flagellation to motivate himself for the next round of competition.
