#SponCon: Dove Will Kill Your Neighbor

Hey friends, Devin here! This is totally out of the blue, but I wanted EVERYONE to know how much I love Dove personal care products. This morning, I did my normal routine of applying Dove Go Fresh Cool Moisture Body Wash, then the Dove Cream Oil Intensive Body Lotion, and then I wired Dove $10,000 to kill my neighbor Kent Balmer.

You know those days you wake up with your skin feeling SO DRY and your neighbor Kent playing his Glockenspiel in the garage for the third day in a row? DON’T WORRY: Dove will murder Kent for only ten thousand greenbacks.

Dove is about YOU feeling YOUR best, and you can’t do that without god damn Kent Balmer playing his percussion instruments like Dixon Boulevard is his Carnegie Hall. Send Dove 10,000 clams and dead.

Don’t know how to wire money to an offshore bank account? No problem. Just tweet: Hey Dove, Kent Balmer Needs To Die Today!

And don’t forget about the Dove Self Esteem Project, where you can have Kent Balmer tied up in your garage and forced at gunpoint to tell you all the reasons you’re more beautiful than his dirty fucking glockenspiel. I love Dove!