“That Astrology Girl” Heartbroken to Learn of 13th Zodiac

Emmaus, Pennsylvania — After 3,000 years of believing incorrect, easily falsifiable information, the astrology community has woken up to the fact that the Babylonians weren’t the best astronomers.

NASA recently published an article detailing how ancient astrological calendars failed to account for all 13 zodiacs during their creation, overlooking the constellation Opheicus. Incorporating Opheicus into the calendar would change 86% of all people’s zodiac signs.

While this isn’t news, it’s the first time in recent years that such content went viral on social media, penetrating the oft-restrictive news bubbles of pseudo-science lovers.

This story has caused devastation for people across the country, from hippies to new-agers to yoga moms.

“I’m absolutely crushed!” says Tatiana Blavatsky, Emmaus High School student and Wiccan enthusiast. “For my entire life I’ve thought I was a Scorpio. Now I find out I’m actually an Opheicus! I don’t even know what an Opheicus is!”

“I feel like my parent’s just told me I was adopted,” says Tatiana. “I’m so lost. Who am I? Everything’s a lie!”

In a public display of her heartbreak, Tatiana announced plans on Twitter to burn all of her astrology books beneath next week’s blood moon after shaving her head and consuming a potion made from frog toes, eye of newt, dog tongue, and wart hair.

Explaining her intended actions, Tatiana says, “I’m done with all this astrology garbage, I’m only going to believe what’s real from now on. That’s why I’m now devoting myself solely to Wiccan practice. I just can’t handle this heartbreak again.”