“…and on this rock I will build my church…that I totally just made up as a goof.”
A funny spiritual thing happened to me recently.
You see, I was just going about my business scamming people into giving me money for my dopey articles, when all of a sudden I became some kind of savior or something and founded a religion followed by other writers trying to scam people into giving them money for their dopey articles.
It all started when I wrote a cheeky little article begging Medium curators to curate that very article (by the way, mission: terribly failed), and in it was the following prayer:
Our Curators, Who art on Medium,
Hallowed be my Claps.
My Fans will come.
My Reads be done, on earth as it is in the Medium Partner Program. Give us this day our daily Views.
And forgive us our Edits,
as we forgive Publications who Edit against us.
And lead us forth into Curation,
and deliver us from non-Member readers. Amen.
I Know I Don’t Pray To You As Often As I Should, But Please Curate This Story, Medium Curators
I come to you a broken man and an unemployed writer.
But that silly little invocation to a mysterious being I published online was somehow interpreted as some kind of Sermon, probably on a Mount somewhere.
Then people started following me, and my congregation grew.
Like, I had way more disciples than I can count on one of my holy hands.
And I gotta admit, the rush of unearned divinity was pretty intoxicating.
But upon further reflection, I was struck by the lightning bolt of reality: with great power, comes way too much fuckin’ responsibility.
I suddenly realized that I’m not ready to become a messiah, as I wanted to buy a Turkish cotton robe from Bed Bath & Beyond before I did that. But needs must, I suppose.
I mean, becoming a King of Kings was actually only the third or fourth weirdest thing to happen to me that week.
And so, it is with the most righteous reluctance that I pronounce myself your Great Redeemer.
Follow me, or be smited by my most Sacred Snarkasm!
And what kind of celestial empowerment will you be blessed with if you subscribe to my impromptu doctrine? Ha! What DON’T you get? Check out the Member’s Only Perks below:
- Access to my eternal wisdom, like how to get great ideas from sitting on the toilet:
“The Think Tank” — Why I Get My Best Ideas From Sitting On The Toilet
Learn how to let your inspiration flow like diarrhea with this weird technique.
Anyway, we’ve got a few spots open in my weird little congregation — care to join?
Check out some more of my divine insight below: