The 10 Reasons Why I’m Not Hanging Out With You, BRIAN
Brian. Buddy. Pal. We were friends in college. Now we’re adult roommates.
That’s great. That’s awesome. It makes paying rent easier.
I’ve noticed a disturbing trend recently. Something about “hanging out more” and me being a “workaholic” and a “shut-in.”
I understand these concerns. I have some perfectly valid reasons for not going out to the nearby karaoke bar on Friday nights in order to watch you fall flat on your face talking with chicks while I sit around awkwardly nursing a stout because I’ve never been a particularly good wingman, also loud noises scare me, also lots of people scare me, also is that white dude trying to rap “King Kunta” on karaoke, also I’ve got a great idea for a Medium article.
Here is an itemized list of reasons why we shant be hanging out more:
1. You are terrible with women.
This point may sound mean, but trust me — you are a loser and it’s just really, really sad to watch. I can only hear you moan about Stacy three more times until I take a cue from her and move to Utah.
Protip: Don’t make religion your go-to talking point.
2. You are overly critical.
Everything I do is wrong. Constant criticism, that’s all that comes out of your lips. When you take Ritalin, it’s “medication,” but when I do it, I’m “abusing it for creative gain” and “stealing your stuff.”
3. You are the worst kind of attention whore.
Why are you wearing that tie-dye blazer? Yeah, I know you want to stand out, but like, people at parties are starting to recognize you as “tie-dye blazer guy” and the first rule of parties is that you don’t want to be the “_ guy” unless the “_” is something related to bringing alcohol to the party.
4. You are super judgmental.
Let me compose sonnets while smoking cigarettes in the apartment without you shaming me, MOM.
5. You put Saltshaker in the garbage disposal.
That was my cat. Not cool, dude. I know Saltshaker knocked your sacrificial altar over, but like, come on.
6. I have a great story idea and you are totally ruining my flow by asking me to hang out.
I swear, if you interrupt me while I’m birthing works of creative genius, I will strangle you with your own tie-dye blazer.
7. Your room smells weird.
You keep forgetting to clean your ceremonial knives. Respect your tools. Respect your space.
8. I need to be successful.
If I don’t ignore social niceties, then how can I possibly get ahead? And don’t you use that metaphor relating creativity to a gas tank and needing to “fill it up with experiences.”
I don’t go for hippy dippy nonsense. I am a serious writer and I will have no fun while creating fun things.
9. The chanting to summon the Dark Ones is really annoying.
I have a strict morning ritual to get in touch with my muse at 5 AM. It’s just a rude and inconsiderate thing to do when I need sleep.
10. You’re a little bit racist.
Be better.
There. I got it all off my chest. I know I probably should have mentioned some of this before it got all pent up and the only way to get it out in a satisfying fashion was to vent my discontent for all to see on the internet, but man, I feel good.
Still not going to the bar Friday.
At least fix #3. Then I’ll consider it.
