The 8 Types of Swimmers I Want Shot When The Revolution Comes
I know that we all have to learn to share BUT I’m being forced to share my aquatic space with a bunch of reckless idiots.
Swimming is an integral part of my daily routine. I use it to keep fit and to chill my brain out, so that I feel able and ready to write. Swimming has been responsible for some of my best work. And all that is being thrown into jeopardy by these reckless idiots.
So in the order I want them shot. Please accept my application for gunman when the revolution comes.
1. Anyone doing backstroke
Doing backstroke is the equivalent of driving with a blindfold on. These idiots weave up and down the pool like drunken moths. I see the point of backstroke. If I was drowning in the ocean then backstroke would be my swimming style of choice.
It’s mostly floating. You’re not fooling anyone.
But in a public pool with limited space? You people are a kinesthetic liability. Flappy human shaped torpedoes with no regard for common decency. That’s why you’ll be shot first. Machine gunned.
2. Anyone who doesn’t want to get their hair wet
Move out of the way land peasant. I’m a water baby and I fully embrace the water. Yes it’s chlorinated, yes it’s bad for your hair. If you’re that bothered, buy a swimming cap.
If you’re really THAT bothered stay at home. Swimming isn’t a hobby for you. Or maybe you should go and swim somewhere else. Where there isn’t chlorine. Like the sea. Or a vat of acid?
You will be second in my list of those who must die. Bobbing up and down the pool like little meerkats. You look ridiculous. You are ridiculous. You have to go.
3. Anyone walking up and down the pool
I don’t care if the physiotherapist said it was good for you. It’s a swimming pool. The clue is in the name. If you want a walking pool, build one. Better still, walk into the sea. And then keep walking.
Why can’t you just walk on dry land? I bet you drove to the gym didn’t you? All of you. You all drove in your cars and got into the pool to walk. You’re all awful people.
Perhaps some of you can’t swim? Take lessons.
About 10am every morning, a Knit (my collective name for elderly ladies) descends on my pool and they march up and down like soggy suffragettes.
4. Anyone who meets their friends for a chat
Go to a cafe. It’s lovely that you have friends. My abrupt nature means I don’t do well socially. I’m glad that you do. Now f**k off to a cafe and stop standing in the shallow end talking about shite.
If you must chat whilst damp, find a jacuzzi, buy a hot tub or share a shower. I don’t care as long as I don’t have my morning workouts interrupted by your inane chat.
5. That guy who has invented ‘Backerfly’
This may be specific to my pool…. but there’s a rotund asian man who is doing a form of double armed backstroke I have termed ‘Backerfly’. It’s just as out of control as backstroke (see above) with the added bonus that it looks like he’s drowning.
A large part of me wishes he would.
Children aren’t good at swimming. Yes they have to learn. No they shouldn’t learn when I’m trying to work out.
When they get to seven just drop them three miles off the coast. Any kids that make it back to the mainland are unlikely to be the sort of kids that do widths of the pool whilst the rest of us do lengths.
They can stay. Leave the rest out there. They’ll probably learn backstroke.
7. Anyone stretching
Same as the pool walkers. Just stretch like normal people do — on dry land. I have no idea where this penchant for soggy stretching has come from…. it looks like an 80’s workout video in my pool sometimes.
There’s no point.
If you’re standing waist deep in water and lifting a weight. You may as well be on land. Better still…. just swim. Swimming is basically stretching whilst horizontal and in water.
The nature of swimming means that we’re prepared to get wet. I appreciate that. I appreciate that you’ve taken the time to learn to swim. You’ve won some bonus points in this rogues gallery and aquatic shitshow.
The idea of swimming is that you glide effortlessly through the water, sleek and quick. Creating splashes means that you’re losing far too much energy with your technique. So if you’re the sort of person whose swimming style could be mistaken for a sharks feeding frenzy, it’s time to get out.
No. Really. Get out.
Basically anyone who isn’t me.
You’ve probably worked out that I don’t enjoy sharing.
Living in London means that I can’t afford the luxury of my own pool. But I’ve never wanted to kill a bunch of people more than the idiots who share my local pool.
If you fall into one (or more) of those offending groups. Evaluate your life and make the choice to return to dry land. Myself and other water nymphs will salute your choice.
DISCLAIMER: That’s definitely not me in the picture.
Want to read the less damp sequel to this article?