Budva, Montenegro. PHOTO: Sarah Lofgren

The Miracle of Birth Seems Kinda Gross

Maybe there’s a better way we could do this?

I personally have managed to dodge The Miracle of Birth, but sometimes I can sense it licking its lips and watching me, like some sort of overly persistent sorority that wants me to trade my independence for the allure of a pink t-shirt.

“You’ll love it!”

“It’ll be so meaningful!”

“It’ll barely hurt at all!”

I see through you, Miracle of Birth. I know what you’re up to.

Not everyone has been so lucky. It’s unfortunate that the process of keeping the human species from extinction has to be so painful and unsightly. It’s also a bit surprising that we’ve managed to proliferate so enthusiastically regardless.

Here’s a list of gross stuff that happens when you carry a baby inside your body:

• Sometimes your abdominal wall literally splits down the middle, like the seam on a teddy bear opening up.
• Continous puking for about 10 weeks. Yes, that’s how the little goblin announces its presence. By forcing you to puke EVERY MORNING. I’ve watched enough movies to know that isn’t charming. It’s ominous foreshadowing!
• Hemorrhoids and farting. WTH. Why?