The Real Reason I Oppose Bert and Ernie as a Couple

Writer Mark Saltzman broke the internet earlier this month when he seemingly confirmed what we had all long suspected. Much like your uncle and his “roommate” who share a chic studio apartment in the theater district, Bert and Ernie were indeed a loving gay couple. This revelation set off a firestorm of debates some in favor of this union and others fervently against it.

Not one to be left out I’ve decided to throw my own completely unsolicited and relatively uninformed hat into this ring and share my opinion. While this will come as a shock to many people, I am against Bert and Ernie as a couple.

I can get behind them as rendezvous, a hookup, even a rebound situation but not as a long-term couple. Bert and Ernie are just too different from one another. Don’t get me wrong, everyone knows a couple like them. Two people with fuckall in common, constantly bickering and determined to stay the course despite making each other and everyone in their vicinity miserable.

For that reason, I do not think they should be a couple and I sure as hell do not think they should get married. Frankly, I think Bert should find a supportive friend and begin the conscious uncoupling process. He strikes me as a conscious uncoupler. Ernie on the other hand can keep the apartment, pay the rent with a side gig from Uber (where wacky hi-jinks will inevitably ensue) and find someone more accepting of his raucous ways.