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Pickle Fork

Model Castle at Hong Kong Disney, PHOTO: Sarah Lofgren

There’s a Portal to Narnia in the Office Bathroom

And it’s Interfering with Operations.

The portal is in the men’s bathroom, through the cabinet where we store the extra toilet paper and cleaning supplies.

Tyler from Payroll was first to discover it. Even though he wasn’t gone any longer than a standard #2 (time in Narnia moves at a quicker pace than at Finley, Finely and Associates) it ruined his productivity for the rest of the day.

Paychecks were late that week because “once a king or queen in Narnia, always a king or queen in Narnia” and apparently kings and queens of Narnia install major updates on their desktops that prevent the timely completion of simple, standardized processes.

The next week Vlad from Marketing waited outside the men’s restroom for 45 minutes, before finally barging in and finding Tyler with his head and shoulders stuck in the cabinet and the rest of him sticking out in a manner unbefitting a payroll specialist.

“I can almost see it!” Tyler’s muffled voice emerged from inside the cabinet.

Vlad, whose bladder was stretched thinner than a pregnant wildebeest’s belly by that point, filed a complaint with HR.

Weeks when HR has to have bathroom-related conversations are never the best weeks at Finley, Finely and Associates.

Barry the PM was next to experience Narnia. One moment he was in the bathroom, sending out messages on Slack as per usual. Then something hilarious happened with a client photo and a mustache and Barry didn’t have a single thing to say about it. Instead of goofing around in the #random channel, he was riding the Dawn Treader and looking for treasure (or redemption maybe?).

All I know is that he came back and told Tyler that Aslan said Tyler couldn’t go to Narnia anymore and that’s when the shit REALLY hit the fan.

Tyler and Barry began holding daily duels, each accusing the other of being in league with the White Witch.

The women in the office also began submitting discrimination complaints, because there wasn’t a portal to Narnia in their bathroom. The men pointed out there were only five women in the office, which meant they didn’t have to wait in lines to pee and maybe they didn’t deserve a portal to Narnia, because they didn’t understand true suffering.

It’s long been an opinion of the employees at Finley, Finely and Associates that one, single occupancy men’s bathroom is not enough for a company of this size. And that was before we discovered it contained a portal to Narnia.

The women decided that if they couldn’t have a portal to Narnia, they’d just turn their bathroom into Narnia and began decorating with Moroccan cushions (which was the closest approximation they could guess to Calormen cushions), handing out Turkish Delight and implementing other changes.

This was very confusing for visiting female clients who just wanted to relieve themselves in peace without having a large, stuffed mouse with a dagger glaring at them the whole time.

Then, one day the entire Development Team went to Narnia. Half of them had to be let go after the experience instilled leadership skills and the ability to shoot a nerfgun with deadly accuracy.

This was the point at which Management decided a portal to Narnia was not an asset for Finley, Finely and Associates and set an appointment with a local junk removal company to come and pick up the cabinet.

In the meantime they nailed the cabinet door shut and placed it behind the office manager’s desk where everyone would be too afraid to approach.

Everyone except me, the office manager.

And if you’ll excuse me, I have a date with an adorable marshwiggle.

So I really can’t stay.

Sarah is a freelancer and nut living in Seattle. If you’re into her whole thing, she has a twitter and an instagram.




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Sarah Lofgren

Sarah Lofgren

Engaged in inadvisable wordsmitheries and other creative acts. http://sarahlofgren.com

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