Things To Do When The Elevator Doors Open And It’s Not Your Floor

Smile and nod.

Roll up your sleeves and cough once into your fist.

Say, “Welcome aboard, haha!”

Text your mother.

Roll your eyes into the back of your skull and gurgle blood.

Say, “Ever hear of knocking?”

Cha-cha (real slow).

Take a dead rat out of your breast pocket, wave it around and say, “Lose something?”

Climb down from the ceiling and introduce yourself as “one crazy muthafuka.”

Shuck corn in silence.

Hold your hand out for a handshake, then quickly retract it and put it in your nose.

Continue pressing the “close doors” button frantically.

Say, “Whadda ya say we take this baby to the top?” then do so.

Dismount from your horse, take off your riding glove and slap yourself in the face with it.

Pull out a photo album and begin flipping through baby pictures, letting out an occasional “Damnit.”

Say, “Watch out, there’s a small pool of my urine in here.”

Take off both of your shoes and hold them in your hands.

Set up an easel and begin sketching the French Revolution.

Call a Dunkin Donuts and say, “Clear my schedule for today; something’s just come up and I’d like to see how it plays out.”

Listen.

Crawl around on all fours and say, “You married a music man.”

Study for A.P. Calc.

Go back in time and vote for Hillary.

Get off and take the stairs.