Top Influencers In Heaven
Because the going gets tough even there.
Mahatma Gandhi and John Calvin take a stroll in the largest park in the heavens after dinner. Because of the longevity of their ideas, their consistency in providing other heavenly inhabitants with good quality sermons, and their loyal followers who congregate every time they have anything to say, both Gandhi and Calvin have been identified by the heavenly board as being Top Influencers in their respective fields. But today something strange has happened.
Calvin’s Top Influencer status in Free Will Means Shit has been taken away from him. It is an unusual development to say the least. He was informed only now while having dessert and is understandably aggrieved. He shares his distaste for heavenly algorithms (which he insists must actually be called out for what they are — politics!) with Gandhi.
Calvin : These buggers, how dare they take away my Top Influencer status?
Gandhi: John, you need to relax. You are still the Top Influencer in Fatalism Is Not Dead and Destiny Lives Forever.
Calvin: You forget Scoundrel Willpower.
Gandhi: Yes, of course, you practically started that from scratch!
Calvin: Right, right. I literally had zero followers at the time. Zilch!
How would you know, you came much after.
I thought the heavens would be kind to me, you know, after the fear I instilled about god and all…
Gandhi: That wasn’t a wise thing to do.
Calvin: What, how come? Do you think those earthlings would understand any other way? Fear is what keeps them from evil.
Gandhi: You really believe that?
Calvin: Well, not so much now. At the time I did. But what has that got to do with this? Don’t try and distract me Gandhi.
Gandhi: I’m merely trying to diffuse the tension.
Calvin: That’s what you always do. But don’t even try that with me. How dare they take away my hard earned status? Fucking morons!
Gandhi: Will you just relax, John? Goddamn!
Calvin: It’s John Goodman.
Gandhi looks puzzled. Calvin continues, ignoring him.
Calvin: You literally own everything here from Minority Power to Violence Will Kill You to The Other Cheek is Plumper to Martin Luther Jr. is Ma Man. You had tonnes of followers before you even set foot here. But I had to work my ass off for every follower, each clap.
Get off me, you wouldn’t know the pain.
Gandhi: Man, you are incorrigible!
Calvin: Fuck off, Gandhi! I don’t need to be given sermons by you now.
Gandhi: I’m just trying to make you look at the larger picture, is all. You won’t lose followers because the algorithm here screwed up.
Calvin: Who knows? Today they take away my status, tomorrow they will unfollow me, next month I will be dead.
Gandhi: You are already dead.
Calvin: I meant metaphorically. They don’t know who they have messed with. I will teach them, I will raise hell!
Gandhi: In heavens?
Calvin: Why not?
Gandhi: Er, because it is… heavens.
Calvin: Go on with your wordplay. I don’t give a shit. I will make them pay.
Gandhi: But doesn’t that go against your ideas? I mean you espouse that there is no free will, then how come you have chosen to do something?
Calvin shakes his head. They continue to walk in silence, when suddenly they hear footsteps behind them. It is Ricky Gervais!
Both Gandhi and Calvin gasp!
“How can Ricky be here?” both of them wondered at the same time. Hadn’t they seen him perform at the Netflix special just yesterday at the Heavens Weekend Gala — where the best earthly content was broadcast once a week?
Gandhi: Were you assassinated by some right-wing zealot too?
Calvin: This blasphemous man would have died of cancer or some such!
Gandhi: Don’t wish ill to others unto it happens to you.
Calvin: He is already dead, Gandhi!
Ricky: Guys, GUYS! I am not dead, alright. I have come to inform John here that I’m working on material that might be offensive to him. (turning to Calvin) Like, I am really going to go after you in my next special.
Calvin: What!? Why the fuck would you do that — haven’t you got Trump?
Ricky: Yeah, but everyone is after him. I am tired of that crap. Plus, I am not American, you know, so I’d rather go a bit British.
Calvin: But I am French for god’s sake!
Ricky: Still closer home… naah, I am just bored with Trump. He is so unpredictable that you can predict him now.
Gandhi (impressed): That’s a good way to put it. (after a pause) Anyway, Ricky, now since you are here, will you just calm John down? He has been going on about how he would raise hell here — in heavens by god! — because they took away his Top Influencer status.
John: Don’t you get this little town rascal into our discussion.
Ricky: Bro, chill out. You’ve got anger issues methinks.
Gandhi: That’s what I have been telling him.
John: Shut the fuck up both of you. You guys have no idea how it feels to be robbed off after centuries of labor!
Ricky: John, are you sure.. (pointing his finger at Gandhi) I mean this guy’s country was robbed by us for centuries.
John: I am not British!!
Ricky: Alright, but not like you guys didn’t plunder and pillage. Anyone heard of Algeria?
Gandhi sniggers. Ricky smiles. Calvin storms off. Gandhi runs after him, still trying to pacify him.
Gandhi (trying to keep up with Calvin as they head out of the park): That was after your time. Let Ricky say what he will, who cares?
Calvin: I am not worried about this idiot. I want my Top Influencer status back.
Gandhi: And you think you’ll get it back by talking such crap — who’ll even listen to you?
Calvin: Does it even matter?
Calvin strides off. Gandhi is left standing there musing about the philosophical implications of what Calvin said in the end.
