Using racism for good

At Synumerate™, we use racism to fight ozone depletion

Dave Rubens, CEO and founder of Synumerate™

Synumerate™ is a company with a difference. Unlike any other Fortune 1000 company, we harness the power of racism to make an impact.

A positive impact.

Since the introduction of chlorofluorocarbons (CFCs) in consumer products such as refrigerators, hairspray and deodorant in the 1960s, the Earth’s ozone layer started to deplete at an alarming rate.

Every morning, I go outside and scream, “go back where you came from, fucking n*****!” at the hole in the ozone layer.

Ozone is a crucial part of the atmosphere — it helps to protect us from the harmful UV radiation of the Sun. But CFCs have caused it to break down, forming a hole in the ozone layer above Antarctica.

At Synumerate™, we care about the planet. That’s why we’ve developed a host of environmental solutions since I founded the company in 2004. But we don’t stop at technology when it comes to saving the planet.

Every morning, I go outside and scream, “go back where you came from, fucking n*****!” at the hole in the ozone layer. This use of racial slurs is typical of the culture at Synumerate™, helping us to drive forward as a team and swing a weighty, swastika-tattoed fist into the face of environmental damage.

Now, I know what you’re thinking. How can a company that supposedly wants to do good in this world justify doing racism? It might seem like a paradox, but it’s not. It just isn’t.

We do have many black employees at Synumerate™. They’re just heavily persecuted by the rest of us. So that we can stop the degradation of ozone.

A USA-style chant of “Racism! Racism!” filled the floor. The energy of the moment overtook me.

Earlier this week, I sat down to have a chat with Jason, one of our bioengineers. I asked him what it’s like to work here.

“I love working for Synumerate! Don’t get me wrong, I’m discriminated against on a daily basis, which is abhorrent, but knowing that it makes a positive change in the atmosphere above the Antarctic makes it all worth it!”

When asked about what other companies can learn from Synumerate™, the ethnically-dubious Jason replied, “I guess they can learn how to hate, for good.”

As I walked on through the office, taking a sip from my coffee (then spitting it out in disgust of its colour), I witnessed a white employee shouting down his BAME, female colleague. Almost immediately, the rest of the office was shouting too. A USA-style chant of “Racism! Racism!” filled the floor. The energy of the moment overtook me. My eyes crossed and I went into an almost-astral plane. My mind visited the skies above Antarctica, where I saw the power of this moment healing the ozone hole molecule-by-molecule.

I later awoke in hospital. Apparently I had passed out. The capability of racism to do good is surely incredible.

It was so freaking difficult to come up with a parody company name involving some variation of “synergy” that doesn’t already exist in real life.

P.S. I’m not an professional graphic designer, but if you liked the logo above, feel free to hire me!

P.P.S. I don’t write about racism much, and if you’ve been offended by this, please let me know (but also bear in mind it is just satire).