Voluntary Celibate’s Advice to Incels

Hey!

Joe here. I was happily enjoying a caramel macchiato when I found out that a member of Incel had claimed it was involuntary celibacy that led him take the lives of 10 people. I realize there might be other Incels out there who don’t know how to handle their frustration. So here are some tips, from a voluntary celibate, of things you could do when not getting laid.

Bowling

I know it’s the not the kind of “scoring” you believe you deserve, but really there is no greater joy than knocking down a seven-ten-split. And when you strike out here no on will make fun of you (HA! It’s a celibate joke.)

Spa Day

Without a significant other we sometimes forget about basic grooming. To combat our natural grossness we celibates make cleanliness fun! You might think that sitting in a mud bath with three dudes wouln’t be something you’d enjoy. But after you do, you won’t want to go back to pre-mud life.

Take a Road Trip

Did you know that renting vehicles and using them to NOT kill people is actually a lot of fun? Not to mention you’ll get your deposit back. Go see some national landmarks with friends. If you don’t have friends…don’t kill potential ones.

Volunteer at an Animal Shelter

It’s amazing how hard it is to feel bad for yourself when you see animals who don’t get love AND are stuck in cages. No one will give you a lethal injection for failing to get boned.

Masturbate

Hey, it gets the job done. I’m not one to knock a classic.