Welcome To Luke Bryan’s Weekly Call-In Advice Show
Skinny jeans + Southern Drawl = Dope AF Advice
“Good morning and welcome, listeners! I’m Bindy Kellerton, the producer, and we’re happy you’re here!
First off, we want to apologize for last week’s misunderstanding. Mr. Bryan would never force someone to put their bare feet on the dashboard of his truck; he has the utmost respect for women and encourages them to keep their shoes on in his vehicle if that is what makes them comfortable.
Now — on to the good stuff. Luke is here, all skinny-jeaned up and ready to take your calls! Wow — the phone lines are already lighting up. On Line #1 we have Ashley. Go ahead, Ashley.”
Ashley: Hi, Luke, and thanks for taking my call. I guess you could say my issue is that I’m struggling to get over my ex, and I was wondering if you had any advice.
Luke: You got that high school boyfriend you still think about.
Ashley: Um, yeah, that’s what I just sai —
Luke: You know how to make him jealous when he comes into town.
Ashley: What? Well, I mean, I try that sometimes, sure. But I know I need to move on. How do I —
Luke: You drive the band and the bartenders and the boys crazy.
Ashley: I do? I-I’m…do I know you or something? Or wait — do you mean I should do that?
Luke: You know how to be a lady?
Ashley: Huh?
Luke: You know how to be a lady.
Ashley: Well, yeah…?
Luke: Ooh, ooh, oh, don’t know what I’m gonna do.
Ashley: I’m sorry?
Luke: Hey, hey, yeah, yeah.
Ashley: I, um, I think I’m going to go now.
Luke: Yeah, you rock this country boy’s world.
Ashley: K, bye.
Luke: (quietly singing with his mouth too close to the mic) My, my sorority girl.
Bindy: We seem to have lost the caller. Let me hit line two, where we have Jeremy. Go ahead, Jeremy.
Jeremy: Hi, Luke. Big fan, by the way. My buddies and I saw you on spring break in Panama City and it was fire.
Luke: Come on, come on, come on.
Jeremy: Oh. (chuckle) Um, okay. Not wasting any time, I get it. Uh, I’m just wondering if you have any advice for someone about to graduate from college.
Luke: Once it’s gone, you can’t get it back.
Jeremy: That’s true. (clears throat) Um —
Luke: I’ve iced down a few thousand beers in my day.
Jeremy: Same, bro.
Luke: Shhh. No telling how many bonfires have lit up my face. If it ain’t hundreds, it ain’t any.
Jeremy: (silence)
Luke: Where y’all at?
Jeremy: Oh. Um, still here. Sorry. You shushed me so I thought I wasn’t supposed to talk.
Luke: Baby, I see you.
Jeremy: Oh-kay. (clears throat again) So…college graduation…?
Luke: Lift ’em up, ya’ll.
Jeremy: Dude. What?
Luke: Let’s fill up on this feel good like we don’t know better.
Jeremy: Are, um, are you drinking right now, Luke Bryan?
Luke: (yelling) LIFT ’EM UP, Y’ALL!
Jeremy: Good Lord, man, it’s eight o’clock in the morning.
Luke: Let’s do it up right.
Bindy: Apparently we’ve lost our caller. A day of technical difficulties, it seems. Um, okay. We’ve got time for one more — give me that can, Luke — one more caller. It looks like it’s Becky.
Luke: Hey, girl.
Becky: Hi, Luke. Thanks for taking my call. I’m having a little problem with my parents. No matter what I do, they’re all up in my business. Any advice?
Luke: You know you’ve got everybody lookin.’
Becky: Well, yeah, I know. The way I dress drives my mom crazy, but it’s how I like to express myself, y’know?
Luke: Somebody’s sweet little farmer’s child got it in her blood to get a little wild.
Becky: My dad’s actually an accountant, but I suppose I do tend to get a bit crazy sometimes. But how do I get them to understand that I need some independence?
Luke: Come on, come on, come on.
Becky: Um…
Luke: Girl, you know what to do.
Becky: Well, I mean I guess I could —
Luke: Get up on the hood.
Becky: What?
Luke: Up on the tool box, it don’t matter.
Becky: I-I don’t know what —
Luke: Oh, country girl. Come on.
Becky: Wait. (awkward laugh) I see. Are you just quoting lyrics?
Bindy: Becky, Luke is shaking his head no. Apparently he is not just quoting lyrics.
Becky: Oh. Okay. Um. So my parents —
Luke: Baby, you know what to do.
Becky: Oh, my God, you are! You’re just quoting your own lyrics.
Luke: Guitar!
Becky: Okay, I’m out.
Luke: Dance like a dandelion!
Becky: This is ridiculous.
Luke: Move like the river flows!
Becky: Really hanging up now.
Luke: All I wanna do is get to holdin’ you and get to knowin’ you.
Becky: I have a boyfriend, you creep.
Luke: Shake it to the moon!
Bindy: And it appears we’ve lost another caller. That’s all the time we have for this mor —
Luke: Girl, we got all night.
Bindy: It’s morning, Luke, and we don’t, actually.
Luke: Just one more.
Bindy: (sighing) Fine. It looks like we still have a caller — shocker — holding on line 6. Josh, are you still there?
Josh: I’m still here.
Luke: Yeah, buddy.
Josh: Excited to talk to you, Luke. I guess my question is, like, I’ve been all about the party life up until now. But since turning 25, I’ve started thinking about settling down with a nice girl.
Luke: Oh, good lookin’ girl.
Josh: I mean, sure, I want her to be hot. But I’m more interested in finding a woman I can get serious with. Where do I find a girl like that?
Luke: Suntan City.
Josh: Ha. I get it. Cuz your song, right?
Luke: Suntan City.
Josh: That’s not an actual place, is it?
Luke: Best view in the world. They keep strollin’ by. They keep rollin’ in. Coconut covered girls.
Josh: I guess, um, I think you might’ve misunderstood what I’m asking.
Luke: The only thing I got on my mind is a two-piece memory of her and me layin’ on the beach.
Josh: That’s apparently the only thing.
Luke: Come here, boy.
Josh: Not, um, not doing that.
Bindy: That’s all the time we have for today, folks. Tune in next week for more disturbingly unusual advice from country superstar Luke Bryan.
Luke: Girl, I can’t wait.
Bindy: Just shh, Luke. God.
