What Would Happen If American Settlers Came to Thanksgiving in 2018?
A modern pilgrim’s guide to surviving Thanksgiving
Dearest pilgrims,
So glad you could make it to our family dinner this year! However, before Thanksgiving comes around next Thursday, I wanted to reach out to you with a private message. Just a little one-on-one chat. Some things have changed around here in the past hundreds of years, and I’d hate for you to feel overloaded on the holiday. So, let’s cover some basics that I think will help this year’s Thanksgiving reunion go as smoothly as possible!
Christopher Columbus
He aint yo’ man. He’s no one’s man, actually. If you want to bring him up, I suggest pretending he’s like an ex boyfriend you dated during a hipster phase. He’ll talk about all the exotic places he’s been on study abroad. He pretends to be a liberal. He can’t find the correct continent let alone find the cli… ANYWAY.
Royalty
We have a new queen. Her name is Beyonce.
Family meal-time.
Home-cooked meals have been replaced with bean burritos from Taco Bell and no one is complaining.
Witches
They aren’t stationed in Salem but they do read daily Vice horoscopes on Snapchat and listen to a great deal of Lana Del Rey. You can capture them at their most vulnerable time of day, when they leave their cauldrons and trek into the mortal world: purchasing Urban Decay eyeliner at Sephora.
Pocahontas
She has been turned into a charming Disney movie that is nothing like real life. Please stop inviting John Smith to housewarming parties. He steals all the food.
Our fam across the pond
Britain is the one who got away. We used to rag on ’em like old, stuffy parents. “That’s your dream, not mine dad!” The US was like Troy Bolton in high school musical. But now, we’ve aged and realized they just wanted to protect us from ourselves all along.
Weapons
We got rid of all our guns. Ha, ha! JUST KIDDING. You guys really paved the way for senseless violence in this big ol’ melting pot of ours.
Birth control
We eliminated the need to birth hoards of children to tend to the family farm. But then we missed having a bunch of immature children around, so we elected our most recent president to represent their demographic.
Hunger
Being skinny doesn’t mean you’re malnourished and starving from a lack of hearty crop yields. It means you’re malnourished AND chic. Or at least, that’s what I read in the Victoria’s Secret Model handbook. I don’t know this for sure, because I like ice cream too much to be fashionable.
That’s all I’ve got for you! I don’t have time to get into technology, but here’s the gist of it: Emojis can replace any need for deep discussion, and people who don’t use iMessage are plebs. Now, let’s get excited for next week!
