White House Witch Hunt
Using good old-fashioned techniques to find a witch.
Everyone stay calm! Donald Trump is right. We have a witch-hunt on our hands. Now this is a serious charge and must be investigated properly. There are many ways to tell if our president is in league with Satan, or all of this is just an overhyped performace of The Trucible.
1. His Spirit Can Occupy Two Places At Once
While the president was said to be at the White House other reports have pictures of his spirit at a golf course. While his other self doesn’t appear to attack anyone it does show he is no stranger to astral projection.
2. His Body Is Marked With A Familiar’s Teat
Traditionally this is a part of the body that, once pricked with a pin, does not bleed. Admittedly our hunters were tackled by the Secret Service while trying to find this spot, so this evidence is sadly lacking.
3. Utilizes The Evil Eye to Bring Misfortune
Witches in the 1600s were said to have had the power to destroy crops, livestock, and people’s health simply by willing it hard enough. We’ve seen proof that whenever President Trump turns his attention to something, such as healthcare, immigration, women’s rights, or international relations, it begins to waste away.
4. Speaks In A Mysterious Language
One witness said that a reporter was sent into convulsions on the floor after a tweet was directed at him. The episode appeared to have been caused by Trump’s strange use of words. Almost like a spell…
5. Can Not Read the Lord’s Words
Trump should be given the Bible and asked to read from it’s pages. Heck give him any book that’s not his own and we’ll dismiss the case if he can read it.
What To Do Now
We should do as the early American’s did and request a trial where Trump can prove to the populace that his is not dancing at night in the woods and consorting with darker forces.
