via Shutterstock

To My Favorite Stock Photos:

Dear free stock photo of a checklist,

Do you know what a checklist is? Please check yes or no.

Yours truly,


Dear stock photo of a man in pajamas looking at a woman in pajamas and rabbit ears through binoculars even though she is at most 2 feet away from him,

I licensed you while I was drunk. Like, I paid for this photo. I own this photo. And I am thankful.

Thank you for your whimsy.



Dear stock photo of a hot dog train,

Where are you going with all them meat?



Dear stock photo of the couple from the pajama/binoculars photo but now tenderly looking at a framed photo,

What’s in that frame? I’d like to imagine it’s the pajama/binoculars photo.

Please do not respond unless it’s to confirm my theory.

Hugs and turtlenecks,


Dear stock photo series of this man eating spaghetti,

You have always been and probably always will be my favorite stock photo series. I love you more than hot dog train, ‘cyber woman with a corn’, and even the series of the jubilant, emo-haired tap dancer.

What did he see on that night, eating spaghetti alone behind the soft glow of a laptop? What caused him to trade his water for wine, to unbutton his shirt and release the tie? At what point in his journey did he trade his fork for fingers, shoving those sweet, sweet noodles into his mouth with pure ecstasy? And…is that Kyle Mooney?

With love,