6 Subtle Changes That Happen to New Dads
#3. You hum embarrassing things.
Spend 5 minutes on the internet and you will find a plethora of stories about the big changes that accompany new parenthood, but I’d like to spend a few minutes shining a light on the subtle mutations that creep into our lives as quickly as sleep leaves it. The almost undetectable morphing from carefree vagabond to responsible caregiver and legal guardian, once viewed, unfolds like a primal, evolutionary tale worthy of an Attenborough voiceover. Let us begin…
You always have a stain
I reminisce fondly of the days of strutting into a social event in a crisp clean outfit, selected with care and concern for the well-curated image of my public self (well, the clean part is true). It is standard practice these days to look into the mirror in a public bathroom (with changing facilities of course) and count the many stains on my mismatched outfit. Whether it’s pee, sweet potato mash, or nappy-rash cream, my new look is newborn camouflage chic.
You eat at double speed
Possibly one of the greatest unidentified victims of the parenting experience is the digestive system. Gone are the days of lazily grazing over a Sunday lunch while chatting about the events of the week, replaced with short spurts of rabid consumption, aligned rhythmically with the rare moments of kid stillness. Leisurely picking has given way to shoveling and gulping, only sometimes indulging in the luxury of chewing.
You hum embarrassing things
I was recently delivering a workshop to a group of company directors and found myself savouring a quiet alone moment during the lunch-break. I was abruptly drawn back to reality by the inquisitive looks mounting around me. As my ears joined me in the cold light of reality, I heard myself softly singing “Here is my beehive, but where are all the bees?”.
While the statement was not totally without merit, as in fact, I had zero bees with me at the time. I was also without any form of beehive…..or dignity.
Your YouTube / Spotify lists are ruined
So, one might wonder how a grown man could become so familiar with bee-less hives and the musical score that accompanies them. This brings me to the next tiny technical transition, my entertainment subscriptions. In no particular order, my YouTube home screen is filled with Itsy Bitsy spiders, marching ants, twinkling stars, and somewhere between 10 and 1 people in a bed. Spotify you ask? Well, that’s a dumpster fire filled with Old McDonald, mice running up clocks, and some ungodly racquet called Skidamarink.
You lust after elevators
The moment a pram enters your life you suddenly find yourself as motion restricted as a goldfish on a water slide. There is a single winding path to any destination that dares to have more than one level and it includes a wait with other similarly confined parents, cyclists, and the wheelchair-bound and a short trip in a human-sized toaster oven. My entry into any public space now includes a Jason Bourne-style reconnaissance for elevators, ramps, and travelators.
You can do everything one-handed
With the almost permanent addition of a fidgeting fun-size human on my left hip, I have broadened the range of activities that I can complete with a single limb. Whether opening a jar, constructing a stroller, or solving a complex mathematical equation with a scroll and quill, my non-dominant hand has become a glorified seatbelt with an Apple watch. On the plus side, if I ever find myself needing to hack off an arm to escape some “Saw” style torture trap, the decision will be relatively easy.
Oh, I also now have a mini human side-kick, who inspires me to be a better bigger human on a daily basis, so worth it….
