Was I Being Tested?
Was I being tested (again)? Was I being tested on my patience, faith, trust?
Did I needed to learn something from all of this? For me, at that moment, it was a little bit of torture. I knew, behind everything, there is a bigger picture and we will never see it at that moment. Only later on, we realize what it is or was.
Let me try to explain.
On July 1, 2020, I was admitted to the hospital for kidney stone removal.
But this was not successful. They could not get from the bladder to the kidney because the passage was too narrow.
So for the time being, they placed what they called a double J catheter.
They were hoping that this would stretch the passage to the kidney. Then after maybe two weeks, they could give it a try again.
On July 14, 2020, I had called the hospital to check if they already knew something. Because I had to switch medication 3 days before the operation and I just wanted to let them know that it cannot be a last moment thing.
The planning did not see anything in their schedule or notes yet. So they would check further to see if anyone had any idea.
Waiting for special instruments.
After checking things, they told me that for this operation they had to order some special instruments. The instruments that they needed were not in their stock. But they could not tell me when these would be in.
I had explained to them that a few days before the operation I had to switch medication, so it could not be a last moment call. They understood this.
I also asked if they had any idea, how long this normally would take. But for this, they did not have an answer. One of the other things is also, that it is also holiday time.
I fully understand these things and these are things that no one could predict.
But this brought a problem/challenge for me. The double J catheter they had placed to stretch the passage, has a curl at both ends. This curl was rubbing on the inside wall of the bladder. So it was irritating my bladder. (This is normal)
As a result, I needed to run to the toilet often. If I sat still or lay down on the bed, it was okay. But as soon as I started walking or moving, the catheter starts also rubbing. Sometimes I could stand or walk for a few minutes. Other times, within 1 minute I needed to run to the toilet.
This then felt like a bladder infection. And sometimes very little comes out.
And it sometimes felt painful.
Here in the house we also joked a little about it. “My new favorite room in the house is the toilet.” “I have a new favorite chair.” If someone asks us if we could visit or come, we joke, “as long there is a toilet nearby.” Or “maybe place a table/chair in the hallway for me, near the toilet.”
These are all jokes, but it was a bit uncomfortable for me, running to the toilet. But what else can you do? Not much.
During my quiet time and a bible study, I suddenly got the thought, that maybe this was to teach me something. Maybe it was to test my patience or trust. Or maybe not to think about my uncomfortable situation.
I have patience. I know that some things don’t go the way we think or plan. Maybe God’s plan is different from ours. It is also teaching us/me to have patience. There should be a reason for this delay. And I accept this.
I also know that there are others out there that suffer more than me. But when you have these different health conditions, you cannot help to wonder, why me. Why me again. I know by now, that why questions are normal, and that for now, we don’t have the answers to them. Only, when things are past or over, we can say or see why things were like this.
We are all being tested, in one way or another. We are being tested on our patience, trust, faith, hope, and beliefs. Some more than others.
Me, I saw the situation as some kind of test run. So when the operation would push through, I knew what would come. It is not nice but it is only temporary. And I was hoping and praying, that when the operation would go, they could remove the kidney stone in one go. Else I need to go through this again.
(Not knowing at that time, I would go through this three more times, before the kidney stone finally was removed.)
So, I was really tested on my patience, faith, and trust.
I hope you all will take care and stay safe.