Who Will Win the Super Bowl?
An easy-to-follow guide for picking a winner
Let me tell you which team will be victorious.
I’m able to do this because I have spent a great deal of time analyzing the two teams, measuring their run-to-pass ratio, checking out their blocking schemes and finding out if anyone on the defense is nicknamed Elmer.
The key to the game will be which team moves out of the 3–4 defense and into the 4–3 and thus can complete the subtraction without going into the minus numbers and screwing up the calculators on their phones. That team will then have more defenders in the box, fewer people at the movies for the 7 o’clock show and can be home before dinner.
And obviously, if one team has to play inside of a box, it will already be at a disadvantage, particularly when you consider the new NFL rules that protect boxes as well as cartons.
However, when on defense, the defensive team has to watch out, first, for the offensive team, and also for the square-out, the fade route, the left-turn signal and the halftime show which this year will once again have acts I’ve never heard of. The only way to deal with that will be to play the Cover 2 with the bundt frosting and listen on their iPods to The Who before they got old.
On offense, look for the 49ers to go with quick-hitting quick hitters, including their rendition of the Troggs’ Wild Thing with an empty backfield and all the receivers twerking with Miley Cyrus.
The Chiefs will try to counteract that by holding onto the ball and burying it somewhere in the Meadowlands next to Jimmy Hoffa. That will improve their turnover ratio and give them more apple turnovers so they won’t be forced to use their prune Danish during the two-minute drill, which comes after the two-minute warning which comes right before the one-minute warning.
In the end, it will all come down to special teams, such as the 1927 Yankees or maybe even the 1980 U.S. Olympic hockey team, if either of them is playing. Whichever team has the ball last will be poised to win because they can threaten the other team with taking the ball and going home if they can just get out of all that traffic.
Look for a high-scoring defensive battle or a low-scoring offensive shootout with touchdowns being hard to get and consequently worth six points if you’re able to get one. It’s possible, of course, that they will be on sale during the Star Spangled Banner and the pre-game military maneuvers that include an invasion of an unimportant country somewhere west of Malaysia. But probably better to order them online in advance and miss the rush.
So, after weighing the odds and finding that they weigh exactly 1.3 pounds, I’m picking … a tie. I think I’ll take the blue one with the red stripes.
