Why Doesn’t Big Pharma Want My Kid to Be Healthy?
Help us, Obi Wan KePfizer. You’re our only hope.
We are already more than halfway through the first month of 2024. Although 87% of us are currently sick, as a species, we’ve come a long way in the name of medicine. We can use robot cameras with tiny arms to do complicated surgeries. We can have boners at any time of day or night. We can meet almost all of our nutritional needs by eating literal gummy bears.
As a mom however, I have noticed there are certain medical advancements that seem to need way more… advancing. Children — the diseasiest of all people — seem to have been forgotten in the medical space. Just think about how many adults could stay healthier if their spawn weren’t spawning so much phlegm.
Reasons Big Pharma needs to sit in time-out:
1. Pink eye treatment.
As we know, kids are flipping disgusting. There they’ll be, eating lunch in a seemingly civilized manner. And out of nowhere, they’ll shove a hand into their pants, diddle around with whatever they find in there, rub their eyes, and pop a Teddy Graham into their mouth faster than you can say, “We don’t touch our buttholes!”
It’s no wonder that pink eye is widespread amongst these creatures, but it is very much a wonder that doctors expect us to be able to get multiple drops into each eye 4 times a day for 10 days. How have we not developed a one-drop system? Maybe an eye drop lollipop. It rhymes! Think of the marketing possibilities.
2. Liquid medicine.
All liquid medicine should taste like grape candy. We’ve tasted Dimetapp. You have the technology. Make it happen, you jerks!
3. Cough drops.
Stop telling me that honey is going to soothe my child’s sore throat. I have eaten honey. Yes, it’s delicious. Yes, it’s pretty cool that it’s basically just bee puke. But a cough drop, it is not. At best, the sweetness will inspire less whining. More than likely, though, adding honey to kids’ blood will just give them more couch-jumping energy.
4. Post-nasal drip.
Oh, the sinus cavity. Other than the appendix — which is nothing more than a pinkish, tube-shaped, biological grenade in our bodies — there is not a bigger flaw in human design.
There must be a way to stop kids from drowning in their own snot when they are simply trying to sleep. I would happily watch 30 minutes of commercials for Ponadrizapidone prior to bedtime if that was the price to pay for a good night’s sleep. Or maybe we need vertical sleep pods? Bat-like ankle danglers? Whatever. I don’t care. Take my money.
My only other suggestion would be to just put our children in bubble wrap suits until they have passed some basic high school health classes, but then how would we buckle them into their car seats? Car seats are hard enough. Help us, Obi Wan KePfizer. You’re our only hope.
