High Functioning Anxiety

I look completely fine, anybody who sees me may be able to see that I am a little off, but nobody knows that I am having trouble breathing.

My heart is beating out of my chest. I feel as though I have stored some sort of a monster or tornado inside of my body that is bursting to come out, my head is paining.

I know and I can hear people talking to me but I’m not able to understand what they’re saying, but I nod and pretend to listen because they wouldn’t understand what it feels like to be crumbling inside.

My father asks me to get his glasses. I don’t know how to walk towards the room, I have forgotten how to move my body, when I get up and go, it’s like I am sleep walking, I don’t know who these legs belong to. I pluck his charger out from the socket, walk back to the hall and give it to my father. He tells me, I asked for my glasses. I apologise and go back inside, walking in a haze.

The anxiety is aggravated by guilt.

It’s my mother’s birthday but I cannot wish her without bursting into tears. I cannot summon up the excitement to feel happy for her.

People around me are talking continuously, on the top of their voices, they are probably excited, maybe they are discussing something important but I just want them to shut up.

I want silence. I want my brother to stop watching the cricket match, the sound of the television is piercing through my head.

I don’t know why I feel this way but I did not choose to feel this way, I don’t know what will help but I know I crave silence, I crave solitude at the same time I feel absolutely selfish for ignoring other people.