Consent with Partners: Is There a Difference?
IMPORTANT NOTE: This post may contain material that is sensitive and triggering to readers who are victims of sexual assault, rape, and/or abuse. Please proceed with caution and at your own risk.
Picture this scenario: It’s a drunken Friday night at a college house party. You’re feeling the warm buzz in your cheeks, but easily get distracted by the vibes radiating from the cute stranger you’ve been eyeing for the past hour. They sit down next to you and the small talk commences, however two more shots of vodka are in your system now and the night falls into the fate of their burning question, “Do you wanna get out of here?” You both stand up and your vision starts to blur, but your hand is now somehow being guided upstairs and you’re too drunk to say anything…
Despite the uneasy foreshadowing of how wrong this situation could become, it’s important to address the fact that these occurrences do indeed happen and in too many different ways. According to the National Sexual Violence Resource Center (NSVRC), about 51% of female victims of rape have reported rape by their intimate partner and about 41% by an acquaintance.
In every instance of sexual activity, we need to consider the factors that distinguish valid consent. According to Planned Parenthood: “Consent means actively agreeing to be sexual with someone. Consent lets someone know that sex is wanted. Sexual activity without consent is rape or sexual assault.” Both parties must actively agree to partake in sexual activity without the influence of alcohol and drug usage, persuasion, and manipulation.
“Consent means actively agreeing to be sexual with someone. Consent lets someone know that sex is wanted. Sexual activity without consent is rape or sexual assault.”
Was there legitimate verbal consent involved in the imaginary party scenario described above? And even if there was verbal confirmation, does it count, given that alcohol was involved? Was it okay for that person to take your hand and assume that you wanted more? These questions are crucial to ask ourselves because we need to not only shed light on the fact that consent is not talked about enough, we also need to normalize the conversation!
So let’s rewind back to the party scene and twist this scenario up a bit. What if it were you and your partner of two years at this college party? Does this change things?
To put it simply — absolutely not. Regardless of how long you’ve been with your partner or how serious your relationship is, consent is still 100% necessary when partaking in any sort of sexual activity every. single. time. Below are a few essential points to consider when addressing consent with your partner:
Remember that only YOU know your boundaries.
You can’t expect your partner to read your mind, nor should you assume that their body language is enough. Make a clear list of what you are and aren’t comfortable with, and plan to share this information with your partner! You may think this is a total no-brainer, but you’d be surprised how often we burden ourselves into thinking we owe something to our significant other. Remember, consent is a two-way street. Make sure to open up the floor for your partner to clearly state what they’re down for and not down for too! Stating what you both want definitely avoids future confrontation and confusion. Establishing these points and abiding by them will not only strengthen your trust in each other, but it will also show your utmost respect for the relationship itself.
Don’t feel guilty for saying “No” to your partner…
…and don’t take it personally when you hear “No” yourself!
This word holds some serious power, but take it as a gentle reminder that this isn’t a race and you define your pace. Limits vary from person to person, and we can’t assume that our partners have thresholds identical to ours. Recognize that it isn’t a personal attack on you (or on the relationship) if your partner doesn’t want to engage in the heat of the moment. If you’re the one who isn’t interested in getting physical, don’t feel pressured to satisfy your partner’s desires, either. However, if they’re guilt tripping you for your decision, then that is a whole other issue of red flags we’ll probably need to delve into another time…
When your partner gives you consent once, don’t assume you have consent every time.
Consent is never implied, even if your partner was down for the cause the first, second, or ninth time around. Below are just a few handy tricks that may ease your mind when needing to clarify the situation. Please do keep in mind that these are only suggestions and totally up to you to use, if and when you are ready!
Utilize communication to talk about what you want as a form of foreplay ;)
You can still have a sensual time with your partner by incorporating sultry communication to state what you want (and only want) to do. Not only does this method promote arousal, but more importantly, it gives you the opportunity to show your partner that you’re listening and taking their desires into account (and vice versa).
Think of things that satisfy you and your partner — and don’t be afraid to suggest them!
“Hey babe, why don’t we cuddle up and watch our show instead? We’ve only got a few more episodes to binge to the finale!” or “Wanna give each other back rubs? I know you’ve had a stressful week at work.” Also tap into your recollection of pastimes and interests that you both enjoy and get creative! This is a great way to fulfill your connection with your partner by thinking beyond the sexual aspect of your relationship.
Give an honest response as to why you don’t want to give consent at that time/at all.
Too tired? That’s okay. Your sex drive is just not up for it? Completely normal. They’re not kidding when they say honesty is the best policy. Honesty avoids the rocky path of uncertainty that tends to damage a relationship.
But what if I don’t want to hurt their feelings? I don’t want to offend them!
Ah… you’re probably taking this thought into account before deciding to actually speak up to your partner. Realize that there are numerous ways to feel intimate and closer to them without the awkward embarrassment that you’ll somehow ruin “the mood.” And to be quite frank, if you are worried about your partner leaving you or have ever thought about leaving your partner due to this exact thought, I recommend reevaluating your relationship and recognizing that this conflict potentially goes far beyond physical matters. It may help to set up a platform of reassurance and show understanding for your and your partner’s priorities. Not only will it bring a bit more comfort to the situation, but it can also strengthen trust and diminish insecurities.
At the end of the day, you know when to put your foot down and trust your instincts. Regardless of whether you take these suggestions into account, it boils down to one very important factor — solid communication. Be patient with yourself to reflect on how you feel. When you’re ready, share that with your partner. Let’s not forget that you should be with someone who accepts you for you!
And if you’re not quite sure of your state’s laws around consent, the website for Rape, Abuse & Incest National Network (RAINN) has a Laws in Your State tool that informs readers about many laws (including consent) based on place of residence.
These tips barely skim the surface of the conversation on consent with your partner, but hopefully as we begin to standardize the general motions of consent and apply them to our daily lives, we might strengthen our relationships in the long run!
(For more information regarding sexual consent, you can also check out Planned Parenthood’s website here).
If you’ve ever experienced sexual assault or rape, the National Sexual Assault Hotline is confidential and can be reached 24/7 at (800) 656-HOPE or through their online chat platform. Please know that there is support for you every step of the way. 💛
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By Kristine Fernandez, Patient Care Lead at The Pill Club.
The Pill Club is an exciting femtech/healthtech company empowering individuals to make decisions about their health, judgment free, from their smartphone. Our members no longer have to go to unnecessary doctor visits, pay marked-up pharmacy prices, or wait in line for their birth control. Join the community of empowered individuals taking control of their futures.
