I don’t speak my boyfriend’s language and here's how I’ve been learning
My first language is Portuguese and my boyfriend’s is English. “Hold on, but you are writing in English, so… you speak English, right?”. Right. I do. And he speaks Portuguese too. We are fine with these languages.
But the kind of languages I’m talking about were presented to me by Dr.Gary Chapman and his book “The 5 Love Languages”. (Thank to Dakini Devi Bliss for tweeting this back in 2015).
In a nutshell, what the book shows you is that each person has their own and very particular way to communicate. That’s why sometimes it feels like you are speaking Cantonese and your partner is speaking Arabic!
We know that everything everybody wants is to be understood and loved. And many times you say, do, or show something to your partner that seems completely invisible to him-her. Well, you both might be speaking different languages.
Let me break it down for you. “The 5 Love Languages”, by Dr. Gary Chapman are as follows:
There is the “Words of Affirmation” language, when you need verbal compliments for the things you do.
Some people are fluent in “Receiving Gifts”, when you feel appreciated by a card, flowers, or a small thing that this person bought or made thinking about you.
Perhaps, “Quality Time” is your thing, when you use your time to create, build, or simply enjoy something in the company of your partner.
“No, “ Nope!.. I don’t speak any of these languages, Ana! But I do love when my partner hugs me, kisses me, or just rubs my arm when he/she passes by”.
Here you go… you are fluent in “Physical Touch”. You feel loved and considered when your partner actually touches you. It feels like receiving a message: “Hey, I know you are here. I notice your existence and I’m glad for it”.
There are also people who speak “Acts of Service”, when doing something specific or attending to a request is the most impactful way to show you love your partner. For example, when your partner noticed that you did the laundry and is thankful for it or when he/she fixed the shower.
Everyone can learn another language, especially when the person that you want to talk to is your lover. It does take time and effort. You’ll need to be persistent and patient — and (use) Pillow, an intimacy app for open minded couples that improves communication. I personally suggest the episode: Fifteen Kisses and Sensual Body Scan, for those who want to develop the skills of Physical Touch. The episodes Secret Whispers, Letting go and Tender Tones are great to practice your fluency in “Words of Affirmation”.
Along the way you will also become more proficient in your own language. You’ll probably understand yourself better, and once you do, it’ll be easier to understand your partner as well. It will be like a teacher testing his/her student’s knowledge to identify in which level your partner is and how he/she can improve and eventually become fluent.
If you are curious about the languages my boyfriend and I speak…well, after reading Dr.Chapman’s book and taking the test at the end of the book (you can also take it online here) I discovered that I’m a native in “Words of Affirmation”, and he is fluent in Physical Touch. Everyday, we practice a little bit of each other’s first love language in addition to a very fun cycle of Portuguese and English every other week. In this way, we get to communicate better little by little. ;-)
