Communication can help improve your sex life
Before I met my ex-boyfriend in 2012, I’d never experienced an orgasm during sex. I was 21 and never experienced this so-called ‘most amazing feeling in the world’. Masturbation was my only gateway to an orgasm. None of the guys I’d been with could give me the ultimate “sextisfaction”.
Weeks after going out with my ex-boyfriend, I decided to talk to him about sex, especially the part where I wasn’t fully satisfied. I believe it is important to communicate with your partner if you’re having some troubles so that they will know what is going on instead of having sex blindly.
“The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place.” — George Bernard Shawv
My ex-boyfriend — who’s two years older than me — had always been in long term relationships and was definitely the kind of lover who would think about his partner first. Missionary, cowgirl, and doggy-style are our usual positions. When you read articles about sex, having the girl on top is often the best position for a girl to achieve an orgasm but it’s not as easy as it seems. Sometimes you enjoy those positions but when you think about it, feeling good during intercourse and getting yourself there are two different things.
People usually just have sex and never really discuss it properly so I thought, let’s give it a go. People often share their fantasies and kinks but not much about what would really help them achieve an orgasm. I finally told my ex-boyfriend that I’ve never had any orgasms during sex and I’ve never been a fan of faking it.
Having to tell my then boyfriend that I couldn’t get there was not easy. Especially when we were still sort of new with our relationship. I just decided to man-up and told him what I felt on one of those nights during the before-we-go-to-sleep talk in bed.
Sex is still something that people usually don’t discuss openly with their partners or even others. Having to explain what we want specifically in bed is not a piece of cake. Not everyone is brave enough to speak up. It takes courage and the right time to do it. It is still somewhat an uncommon topic to discuss so openly that people will feel slightly ashamed talking about it. (But time has changed slowly people are more open to it and yay for pillow!)
We both knew that I would need some assistance to get there and we tried to figure out a way together. Here’s what we came up with: fingering on its own is good and it definitely will get me there but the ultimate goal here was to get an orgasm during sex. So we assessed the situation again by experimenting and communicating to figure out the best option.
We try playing around with speed with the missionary position. He lifted my leg higher and tried to spread it wider — but there was no luck. Then we tried spooning. That has never been my favourite position but we were willing to try anything that we could. But alas, that didn’t work as well. Though my favourite position is the doggy-style, that just doesn’t seem to work either. I need a position where I can concentrate and feel relaxed to achieve an orgasm. Different people achieve it differently. As for me, I need to concentrate and get my head in the game.
Many positions later, we finally figured got it! The best position is for me to be on top and facing him. This made it easier for him to rub my clit (while getting inside me). Being on top gives me total control. I get to control the speed and he gets to look at me while I enjoy it. That light bulb moment changed my sex life. That was the right position, the right technique and boy do I love the feeling. It is true what most articles say being on top will give you a high chance of reaching orgasm. You just need to know how to work the system.
The whole process took some time but it was really fun even though some parts were kind of embarrassing for me. I was still pretty shy back then especially when it comes to exploring my sexuality but my ex-boyfriend was very helpful. I was very thankful for that. In return I got to understand my body more and be comfortable with it.
Once we’ve figured it out, I had orgasms every time we had sex by doing that very position. Now that we got the rhythm we try to communicate as much as we can to make our sex life more fun. Trial and errors are common so don’t give up. To some of us orgasms aren’t that easy to achieve during sex. It is the unfortunate truth but it’s definitely worth the effort.
In relationships, we should always share our likes and dislikes with our partner. Sometimes we may not like it when our partner just wants to do the same thing over and over again. If you want to be satisfied in a particular way — speak out, communicate and work together as a team.
The main goal was to achieve an orgasm but looking back at the whole experience — the journey, the process, the experiments, the communication and the various positions got us closer. Our level of intimacy increased and we became closer than ever. Sometimes it’s not about the goal but the journey that makes it wonderful. Can’t say that I didn’t learn a few new tricks from it. :)
If you’re looking to improve the intimate communication in your relationship check-out the Pillow iOS App.
