(A FAILED) REMINDER TO MYSELF TO STOP BEING SALTY!! !

16 March 2017

Hello friends it is me once again being salty. You (and I) thought I was done but I’m clearly not.

I don’t know why I keep checking her Twitter seeing as it has just been filling me with anger. So she just retweeted two vines shading her friends (aka us but who knows if she really considers us friends at this point).

Number one was this guy talking to his friend, “Did you hang out with Beth last night? :))” “Yeah, I did” “Oh! I love Beth! :))” “You hate Beth…” “YEAH NO SHIT I HATE BETH HONEY”. HIGH KeY ANNOYED because she’s all like “LITERALLY ME @ MY FRIENDS AEDFGVHSBJNKDGVSBHJNKM” girl. giRL. GIRL. WE WEREN’t EVEN “HANGING OUT”,,, WE WERE DOING A PROJECT. AKA WORK. IN FACT, YOU ACTUALLY WOULD KNOW BECAUSE YOU WERE THERE! AND THAT WAS THE PROBLEM. THAT YOU WERE THERE FOR A WORK SESSION THAT HAPPENED TO CONTAIN SOMEONE YOU HATE. Yes, she also causes you to panic and trigger an anxiety attack but HOW WAS I SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT. How was I supposed to infer that you being uncomfortable around her because of something that happened 6 years ago equates to you breaking down when you see her. Yes, she bullied you, yes it was horrible, yes she’s a bitch, yes to all of this, but in the end I can never imagine what it was like for you because I’m not you. I can never truly internalize how it affected you to your core because I’m not you. I can never imagine how deep or how long lasting the scar is because I. Am. Not. You. Just like how I don’t expect you to understand how my mom has affected me. How when she told me she thinks I don’t love her I died inside. When the house was all dark and I felt like I had nobody I knew at least I had my friends. I don’t expect you to tread carefully in regards to love and friendship because I know my life is my own and I can’t expect others to be thinking about my problems 24/7 because they obviously have their own problems. I’m not so selfish to believe that the world revolves around me and my issues.

I’ve told this event to Aditi, Dhanya, and Chung Min in the past, but in the end it was “sad”. I’m not angry that they didn’t understand how much the event affected me, nor do I believe they even really remember. I’m not angry because words can never truly convey the raw emotion of actually experiencing the moment.

So I don’t understand why she is so adamant that we are somehow horrible people or disappointing friends for not thinking about her anxiety 24/7. Just because we don’t constantly think about how each and every one of our minuet actions are going to affect her anxiety (because frankly we didn’t even really know how it worked at that point), doesn’t mean we “don’t care” about her anxiety, as she so angrily put it. She says she’s told us multiple times that she is uncomfortable around Alicia, but literally the only time we really even talked about Alicia (which is when she told us what happened in middle school) was in 9th grade when there was this whole irrelevant drama with Alicia’s shady group of friends. Excuse me for assuming that after 6 years you wouldn’t completely break down and accuse me of executing an elaborate ploy of telling Alicia to meet (WITH THE GROUP FOR A GROUP PROJECT) in order spite you, someone I consider to be a close friend. It wasn’t even like I was telling them to interact and have amicable conversation. Literally she was sitting the furthest position away from her, we, as in SIX PEOPLE, were talking about the stupid movie PROJECT we have to make, and that’s it. I’m not even doubting her anxiety or how much Alicia affects her. I am just salty that she expected me to have this grand premonition of her having a panic attack. Okay like HONESTLY HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO KNOW. I AM NOT YOU. NO MATTER HOW MUCH I THINK I UNDERSTAND YOU OR HOW MUCH YOU EXPECT ME TO UNDERSTAND YOU, I FUCKING DON’T BECAUSE I’M NOT YOU NOR AM I A THERAPIST. God I want to strangle someone this is ridiculous.

Number two was a girl saying in a monotone voice “I don’t need friends. They disappoint me.” with the caption “dfghjkjhgfdfghjklkjhgfdfghn ME THIS WEEK” Once again, I am higH KEY ANNOYED. God FORBID a friend makes a mistake in the 5 years you’ve know them. GOD FORBID IT. Even if it’s just a joke like a “mood” kind of thing, I am too salty to be calm about it. Like I can’t believe my entire life has gone by just to lead up to this moment. If I had a penny for every time she’s said or done something that’s made me “uncomfortable” I would be rich. But you know what, I always ALWAYS let it go because not ONCE have I ever thought, wow she’s such a disappointing friend, I wish I had none. I never think nor say nor even imPLY that because that would be such a shitty thing for me to do. That would be shitting on everything my friends have done for me. All the companionship they’ve provided. Like if you really want to have no friends and be alone then in the end nobody can actually stop you. People can try, but no one can actually physically prevent you from having no friends if you really don’t want any so why don’t you stop taking them for granted. And if they’ve honestly done nothing in your entire friendship that’s meant anything at all to you, why are you still friends with them.

They say the more you trust someone, the more devastating it is when they break that trust. But the problem is that it was an honest mistake. Can someone please enlighten me as to exactly what trust I broke. What disappointment did I cause that was so great for her to be acting like this. I want all of this to blow over. But I feel like there will always be a rift because of this event. God this movie project is just ruining my life right now.

I feel like I’ve told her sorry so many times now (to what feels like no effect) that I’m starting to wonder what I’m so sorry about. I feel like I would know if she would stop blowing it out of proportion. I admit what I did was thoughtless (literally) but that’s just what it was. Sorry that you were finally having a good week only for my thoughtlessness to ruin it.

She said it was her problem to deal with, but at this point if she’s still so salty about it, is it really just her problem to deal with. Maybe I’m just the one trying to make it my problem, but you can’t tell me that, when someone I care about just shuts down and ignores me at school, I should just be like oh that’s fine! I just don’t work that way. I feel like there’s still something on my side that I need to fix even if there isn’t.

I always knew she holds the deepest grudges ever; I just never thought I’d be part of one.